Thursday, December 16, 2004

Hula The Dogs Out?

Man, that title hurts my feelings, but I'm keeping it up there, so up yours, buddy. Right up it.

I was looking through the near twenty notes on my desk written on the back of a Far Side comic-a-day calendar from 2001 and I found this thing I figured I'd write about today.

A while ago I was watching the show Ripley's Believe it or Not! and in this particular episode there was a one-legged Hawaiian woman who loved to Hula dance. I was happy because it actually showed her dancing and she looked like a gimped version of those things that sit out front of stores that move all crazy when the wind goes through them. I'm not talking about Open-Sore Larry, but it's this thing that's made of cloth or some other space-age material that whips around. Well, the voiceover was saying things about how inspiring it is that this three-fourths version of an actual woman pursued her dreams to Hula dance. That's all well and good, then I learned what bastards there are in Hawaii when the narrator said that she "had proven skeptics wrong" by learning to do this. Who in the Hell is telling her that she can't do this?

The woman is practicing on her front lawn. A man walks by with his daughter.

"Hey, Skippy! What the fuck are you doing trying to Hula dance? Why don't you leave that to the people with two legs?" He grabs his daughter's arm and hurries down the sidewalk. "I'm sorry you had to see that, Honey, but goddammit, some people just don't know when they should give up pursuing their dreams and that makes Daddy very angry."

Days later, a crowd of protestors gathers on her lawn holding signs like "You don't even have two left feet!" and "Hula Foola!" People in Hawaii rarely make signs for things because they're always too busy overpricing their food and pretending that the sand there isn't hot to make the tourists feel inferior, so their signs are always really shitty.

I really doubt that the show was being overly dramatic, either. I'm sure that all Hawaiian people hate amputees and especially hate it when they try to do their native dance.

I respond to reader's questions:
Carl Click writes:

So you built up this long description of two people deserving only the most violent of deaths, and then ended it? i was expecting more story, less set-up. You should have lied and said that in the end you saw their faces and they were your parents! what a twist.

Well, I was going to say that they were DEAD THE WHOLE TIME! But I heard that somebody else did that before me then went on to make three mediocre movies.

Andrew (of the hilarious site, The Scamboogah Daily Rag) writes:
If you respond to reader questions, then what about mine. Where the fuck is my Ensure?!

I would send you some Ensure, but I know that your old ass would be dead by the time it got there and then it would be wasteful. If there's one thing I'm not, it's tall, but if there's two things I'm not, it's tall and wasteful.

By the way, Andrew, since I already stole some of your blog-network icons you use on your site, I was thinking about doing another thing I saw that you did on your site where you listed the names of people that you went to school with and wanted to get back in touch with. That was genius, my friend! So if you see me do that, I completely stole it from you, just like my uncle did with my anal virginity.

Interesting thought of the day:
You can swallow seven dollars and seventy-five cents worth of quarters before gravity begins to pull that weight through your stomach lining. It's fun when they come out, though, because it's like winning at a dirty, underwater slot machine.

1 comment:

Drew said...

Some quick advice about the name list. Only list people that you actually want bothering you. And if you're not sure, then don't list them. I had 3 people respond, and 2 of them were incredibly awkward 'We gotta hang out' emails from people I stopped hanging out with for a reason. Just a caveat.

My favorite part about the hula story is the word 'skeptical'. I could understand some lingering doubt, maybe some slight worry that the person might look silly and be embarrassed, but SKEPTICISM? "You know, I've heard that one-leg hula theory, but my gut just tells me it can't be done. I mean, maybe in the zero-gravity atmosphere of space, but no way in Hawaii.."