Tuesday, December 28, 2004

My TiVo Thinks I Hate Jesus!

For Christmas I got a TiVo from my older brother. He recently switched jobs and he's making crazy money. Not that he's well paid, he works at a printing press where they create funds to be used in Mental Institutions. Puns are fun and educational.

Well, I have been getting acquainted with my newly-acquired TiVo and he probably hates me by now. See, TiVo tries to learn what you like to watch so it suggests and records things that it thinks you will like. The first day I got it was Christmas and the History Channel was showing a bunch of stuff about religion. I like watching this stuff because it's interesting. I told TiVo that I wanted to record this thing I saw a commercial for about people's ever-changing beliefs in God and Hell that was supposed to be on the next day.

I woke up the next morning and, to my surprise, TiVo decided that, since I wanted those other things, I'd probably really enjoy everything on PAX, some other Jesus network, and all of the Sunday morning church services. So I went through the list deleting everything and giving it three thumbs down (this is something that you do through TiVo, I wasn't standing in my room booing the television using both my hands and the pickled thumb of Betsy Ross--another awesome Christmas present, thanks, Uncle Rick!). Now I think I've probably confused the shit out of my TiVo. Maybe it thinks I had a dream that night where Jesus and the disciples raped me so I could no longer stand the thought of religion. I want to explain to my TiVo that this isn't the case--I've always hated Jesus--but I don't know how. I feel like I should let it sympathy tape something for me just so it doesn't judge me so harshly. I think I'll tell it to tape Benny Hinn since that's always hilarious. I love when people get "bowled over" by the power of Christ. I can't believe people actually buy that shit. I've actually seen him "throw" heals, baseball style, at people. Sofa king we todd did (if you don't get that, read it slowly and/or say it out loud to your gay uncle). I've also seen him go down a line of people touching them all as they fall over like goddamn dominoes. The only thing that would have made that better is if he pulled an Ice Cube from Boyz in the Hood and said, "Domino, motherfucker," after he did it. Then he primps his Jerry curl.

Poor Jerry. He had an entire hairstyle named after him and it's horrible. Well, I was just going through google looking for a picture of Ice Cube with a Jerry Curl and found a picture of two guys making out. Thanks, internet! So forget about going off on that tangent. I know a picture of an ice cube melting from some eighty-year-old amputee's butthole is two clicks away, so I'll pass.

In a few days I've got to start looking for a job and I'm starting to worry my pretty little head off. I need to find a job writing somewhere and that's going to be hard because almost every writing sample I have has something that most working environments would deem inappropriate; I sign all my writings by spraying it with my semen. I could go for that editing job at "Semen Calligraphy Weekly," but I don't want to get pigeonholed. In spellchecking the word calligraphy, I found a hole in the internet. If you dare, check out what happens when you misspell calligraphy at dictionary.com. I spent forty-five minutes wondering if I had spelled it right. By the way, a lot of people actually misspell the word 'misspell.' Put that in a song, Alanis.

Interesting thought of the day:
Rub raw bacon on public toilet seats and then carry it with you wherever you go. It works great as a breath freshener.

1 comment:

Drew said...

I always thought it was spelled 'Jerri-curl' and was named after Jerri Jewel, who played the retarded girl on Facts of Life.