A study has been released stating that breastfeeding lowers mental health risks. Then how come when I try to suckle the teats of a woman on the subway, she calls me crazy? I'm just trying to fight it, lady. Now make with the liquid Prozac.
Rush Limbaugh, right-wing talk show host, drug addict and Heffalump, recently claimed that in a campaign ad for a Missouri senate candidate, Michael J. Fox was acting in portraying his Parkinson's symptoms in order to sway voters to vote for her and her support of stem cell research.
I think it's his best work since Back to the Future 3 when he had to pretend to play an 18-year-old when he was 30.
Finally Rush Limbaugh pulled the curtain back to expose this elaborate ruse for what it truly is. Michael J. Fox has been playing all of us, America and the world, all for his own personal benefit. You know, so he could have charity hockey games to support his foundation and, um, speak to congress about raising money for stem cell research and, um, Back to the Future 4: Stem Cellin' It Up in 2155!
To be fair, Rush Limbaugh has been mistaken about other "politcal ploys" as well. He did downplay September 11th by calling the Twin Towers, "A couple of flimsy buildings that were probably going to fall over anyway. Making buildings that tall goes against science. It's in the Bible."
On November 22, 1963, he claimed that John F. Kennedy had arranged to have a good portion of his head blown off in order to lobby congress to pass strict gun control legislation.
Even with the recent Mark Foley sex scandal, Rush Limbaugh had this to say about the page with whom Mr. Foley was accused of exchanging dirty emails and instant messages. "That 16-year-old boy has delicious, supple, smooth and irresistible balls. No man, gay or straight, could be blamed for wanting to roll them between his fingers. The Democrats want you to believe that there's something wrong with it, but I challenge any of you to get within sniffing distance of that beautiful hairless beanbag and not ask the boy if he has jerked off lately."
I have a conspiracy theory of my own. I believe that there is another faker in our midst. Rush Limbaugh must be exaggerating his own stupidity because there is no way anybody could be that absolutely fucking retarded without putting a whole lot of effort into it.
The End?
(cue Huey Lewis and the News song)
For those of you unfamiliar with her, Fergie is the transvestite singer in the group The Black-Eyed Peas. You can see her (transvestites always like to be referred to using the female pronoun) on the right. She was on the children's television show Kid's Incorporated when she was a young boy and she followed her heart and stayed a performer.
Well, who knew that that young boy would grow up to be such a prolific lyricist? I will go so far as to suggest she is the most talented cross-dressing writer since Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Her latest hit is a song called "London Bridge." Once you view its lyrics, you will not believe my praise to be without warrant.
As I did before with TLC's masterpiece "Unpretty," I will go line by line and let you know what each delicious turn of phrase means.
Oh shit (oh shit)
Oh shit (oh shit)
Oh shit (oh shit)
Immediately, Mr. Fergie is letting everybody know that things are about to "go down" as they (transvestites) say. Even she can't believe what's going to happen and she wrote these words. It is not uncommon for a writer as amazing as she is to be stupefied at her own work. It is one's natural reaction to such genius.
Are you ready for this?
No, ma'am. We are not. The world is not.
Oh shit (oh shit)
Ohhhhh
It’s me, Fergie
The Pimp!
Here she refers to herself as "The Pimp" which is very appropriate. She is about to treat you to sex, lyricized. I came twice already.
Paulo!
Fergie Ferg, what's up, baby?
She's stepping outside of the realm of her transvestite counterpart, "Fergie Ferg," here and she's channeling her male side, "Paulo." He's saying hello to Fergie to let you know that this song is about him as a woman.
[Verse 1]
When I come to the club, step aside.
Part the seas, don’t be havin' me in the line.
V.I.P., ‘cause you know I gotta shine.
I’m Fergie Ferg, and me love you long time
"Me love you long time" is a well-known phrase from Full Metal Jacket. The line comes from a Vietnamese prostitute. Here, Fergie is playing the role of the Vietnamese prostitute only with a twist. She's not Vietnamese and there's a good chance she doesn't actually have a functional vagina. She may have one of those inside-outsies, but not one with an actual pulse. When she says "Part the seas," that's a euphemism for the creation of her new lady hole.
All my girls get down on the floor,
Back to back, drop it down real low.
What is "it" here? Well, most scholars say that "it" is up to you to figure out, but I contend that "it" actually refers to your expectations for all music after you hear this song: the pinnacle of modern storytelling. In fact, normally I wouldn't do this, but I need you to prepare yourself for the next line. I am not one who uses hyperbole, so when I say that the next line is the single-greatest chaining together of words in this, or any, language since the creation of existence of life as we know it, understand that I mean exactly that.
I’m such a lady, but I’m dancing like a ho,
This is the reason I got into the business of deconstructing poetry. It's like the guy who hunts the Loch Ness monster finally sees Nessie, but not only does he see her, but he totally bones her and gets it all on video. This line is my sex with a mythical Scottish aqua-dinosaur. My previous sentence is now the second-greatest line in human existence next to that which I am discussing right now.
This lyric is the crux of the entire dichotomy of man as we know it. It's like, she's describing the struggle of women in society with these ten words. Not even women, really. Men can relate to it as well. We all have these two sides of our character that we maintain. We have one side we portray to others, and then there's the private side. Oh, my dear, sweet Dutchess. You have hit the nail on the head here. Aren't we all "such ladies, but dancing like hoes?" Aren't we all?
‘Cause you know
I don’t give a fuck, so here we go!
Here, Mr. Ferguson snaps us back into reality. Well, the reality which she portrays. She states that she "don't give a fuck," but with that previous line, we all know the truth. She indeed "do give a fuck." This, as they (vesties) say, is "frontin'."
[Chorus]
How come everytime you come around,
My London, London bridge, wanna go down like,
London, London, London, wanna go down like,
London, London, London, we goin’ down like…
How come everytime you come around,
My London, London bridge, wanna go down like,
London, London, London, wanna go down like,
London, London, London, we goin’ down like…
Sure, maybe that all seems like gibberish to the untrained eye/ear/however you're receiving this information. But, when somebody with a PhD in Poetry from Cambridge like myself reads it, I see brilliance.
What is her London Bridge? This is the question on everybody's mind. I contend, and I will to my dying day, that her London Bridge is a metaphor for her ability to have her spirit compromised in a male-driven society. Well, it's either that or she's going to take it in the ass. I'm 50/50 on it.
There is much more to this song, but I dare not tackle it all in one sitting. Mayhaps I'll revisit it, but people write Master's theses on less.
That's right, theses. Oh shit (oh shit).
There's been a lot of speculation recently that Illinois Senator Barak Obama may run for President of the United States of America and half of Guam come 2008.
Now, I don't know much about him, but I do know the platform on which he is running: Having an awesome name.
It worked for Millard Fillmore and Rutherford B. Hayes, why can't it work for Barak Obama?
That's why, as a gift for other potential Presidential candidates, I'm going to present to you a list of names you can adopt for your own campaign.
Sorry about the vague title.
I know that normally Congressmen, Senators, Governors and other public servants wear coats and ties to work (or, for the ladies, lycra bodysuits), but I'm hoping to start a trend on casual Fridays with my newest political t-shirt designs. There is at least one of these that I actually want to make into a shirt.
If you want to order any of these, contact me and I'll take your money.
