Modern Poetry Deconstruction: Fergie Edition!

For those of you unfamiliar with her, Fergie is the transvestite singer in the group The Black-Eyed Peas. You can see her (transvestites always like to be referred to using the female pronoun) on the right. She was on the children's television show Kid's Incorporated when she was a young boy and she followed her heart and stayed a performer.

Well, who knew that that young boy would grow up to be such a prolific lyricist? I will go so far as to suggest she is the most talented cross-dressing writer since Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Her latest hit is a song called "London Bridge." Once you view its lyrics, you will not believe my praise to be without warrant.

As I did before with TLC's masterpiece "Unpretty," I will go line by line and let you know what each delicious turn of phrase means.

Oh shit (oh shit)
Oh shit (oh shit)
Oh shit (oh shit)

Immediately, Mr. Fergie is letting everybody know that things are about to "go down" as they (transvestites) say. Even she can't believe what's going to happen and she wrote these words. It is not uncommon for a writer as amazing as she is to be stupefied at her own work. It is one's natural reaction to such genius.

Are you ready for this?

No, ma'am. We are not. The world is not.

Oh shit (oh shit)
Ohhhhh
It’s me, Fergie
The Pimp!

Here she refers to herself as "The Pimp" which is very appropriate. She is about to treat you to sex, lyricized. I came twice already.

Paulo!
Fergie Ferg, what's up, baby?

She's stepping outside of the realm of her transvestite counterpart, "Fergie Ferg," here and she's channeling her male side, "Paulo." He's saying hello to Fergie to let you know that this song is about him as a woman.

[Verse 1]
When I come to the club, step aside.
Part the seas, don’t be havin' me in the line.
V.I.P., ‘cause you know I gotta shine.
I’m Fergie Ferg, and me love you long time

"Me love you long time" is a well-known phrase from Full Metal Jacket. The line comes from a Vietnamese prostitute. Here, Fergie is playing the role of the Vietnamese prostitute only with a twist. She's not Vietnamese and there's a good chance she doesn't actually have a functional vagina. She may have one of those inside-outsies, but not one with an actual pulse. When she says "Part the seas," that's a euphemism for the creation of her new lady hole.

All my girls get down on the floor,
Back to back, drop it down real low.

What is "it" here? Well, most scholars say that "it" is up to you to figure out, but I contend that "it" actually refers to your expectations for all music after you hear this song: the pinnacle of modern storytelling. In fact, normally I wouldn't do this, but I need you to prepare yourself for the next line. I am not one who uses hyperbole, so when I say that the next line is the single-greatest chaining together of words in this, or any, language since the creation of existence of life as we know it, understand that I mean exactly that.

I’m such a lady, but I’m dancing like a ho,

This is the reason I got into the business of deconstructing poetry. It's like the guy who hunts the Loch Ness monster finally sees Nessie, but not only does he see her, but he totally bones her and gets it all on video. This line is my sex with a mythical Scottish aqua-dinosaur. My previous sentence is now the second-greatest line in human existence next to that which I am discussing right now.

This lyric is the crux of the entire dichotomy of man as we know it. It's like, she's describing the struggle of women in society with these ten words. Not even women, really. Men can relate to it as well. We all have these two sides of our character that we maintain. We have one side we portray to others, and then there's the private side. Oh, my dear, sweet Dutchess. You have hit the nail on the head here. Aren't we all "such ladies, but dancing like hoes?" Aren't we all?

‘Cause you know
I don’t give a fuck, so here we go!

Here, Mr. Ferguson snaps us back into reality. Well, the reality which she portrays. She states that she "don't give a fuck," but with that previous line, we all know the truth. She indeed "do give a fuck." This, as they (vesties) say, is "frontin'."

[Chorus]
How come everytime you come around,
My London, London bridge, wanna go down like,
London, London, London, wanna go down like,
London, London, London, we goin’ down like…

How come everytime you come around,
My London, London bridge, wanna go down like,
London, London, London, wanna go down like,
London, London, London, we goin’ down like…

Sure, maybe that all seems like gibberish to the untrained eye/ear/however you're receiving this information. But, when somebody with a PhD in Poetry from Cambridge like myself reads it, I see brilliance.

What is her London Bridge? This is the question on everybody's mind. I contend, and I will to my dying day, that her London Bridge is a metaphor for her ability to have her spirit compromised in a male-driven society. Well, it's either that or she's going to take it in the ass. I'm 50/50 on it.

There is much more to this song, but I dare not tackle it all in one sitting. Mayhaps I'll revisit it, but people write Master's theses on less.

That's right, theses. Oh shit (oh shit).