TMX: The Reckoning!

There's a new Tickle Me Elmo doll on the market and it's taking the world by storm. Its name? TMX. No. He's not a new, blinged-out, off-the-chain version of the old Elmo you're used to. He doesn't have mad rhymes and carry a gat as his name might suggest. TMX stands for Tickle Me Elmo Extreme which doesn't make sense at all. They should call it TMEE or TMEX or nothing at all!

I don't get what's so extreme about it. A guy at my work has one and showed it to a few of us today and, while it made me laugh (yes, my cold, dead heart laughed at a giggling red robot doll), it did not live up to the hype that its name promised me.

I was hoping it would soar across the room on the back of a winged, flying lion on a snowboard while some Limp Bizkit or equally shitty music played. I just wanted something extreme to happen. I had fantasies that, when you prompted him to laugh, he'd turn and beat the shit out of you while screaming, "Who's laughing now?" Maybe the people at Sesame Street got their hands on some proprietary technology that causes Elmo to grow to EXTREME sizes and storm the halls of your work carrying a stapler menacingly asking for your boss and his balls to report to him immediately.

No. Instead, it laughs and falls down. You know what else laughs and falls down? Retarded kids, people with MS and the elderly. And you don't have to wait in line for any of those. You just need to know which wing of the hospital to hang out in. I'm just saying, if store shelves are empty this Holiday season and you can't find the TMX doll you want, all you need to do is bring your son or daughter to the local sick ward armed with a can of red paint and a DVD of White Chicks.