Sunday, May 23, 2004

Inka Binka Bottle-a Ink!

In life, there are stinky people and these people all have different malodorous content that makes them displeasing to the olfactory sense. Man, I just dropped some serious nasal vocabulary on your ass, you better recognize, beeeeotch! Back to the original point --there are some people that smell like B.O. I'd venture to guess that this is the category wherein the majority of people that are referred to as "stinky" fall. A lot of times this can be remedied, but in two cases that I've encountered, the only solution is homicide --and lots of it. I've referred to it before, but there was this one kid in some store, he had to be like seven or something, who stunk well beyond his years. Unless he was a hard-working midget, there's no reason that somebody that tiny should pack that much of a stench. Truth be told, I have no idea how old the kid was. I am really bad at telling how old kids are; I have no concept of what children should look like at certain ages. That kid could have been seven or he could have been fourteen. Anyway, the second guy that stunk was in Best Buy and I had to leave the row he was in because he smelled so bad. But at least this guy looked like he should stink. He had on overalls and I think half of a full set of teeth and, I can't read minds too often, but I'm pretty sure he was thinking something dirty, too.

Those people are your standard stinkies. Then, there are people that stink for other reasons. There's the old lady that wears way too much perfume --apparently in an attempt to cover up the fact that she is decaying before your eyes. Then there's the guy that wears too much cologne. This guy, I'm pretty sure, thinks that there is a direct correlation between how much cologne he wears and how much vagina he will be getting by the end of the night. I actually experimented with this theory once and I passed out in the car on the way to the club. But, on the bright side, I did wake up with messy pants. So who knows?

Then there's the third kind of person that smells. This person is the mystery stink. This is the guy that makes you look around and say, "Is somebody boiling cabbage, or ass?" Then, when you turn the stove off where you're making your famous boiled cabbage and ass enchiladas, you realize that the smell still pervades. This type of person seems nice on the surface, but you know that the way that they stink can only be the result of something really sinister --like molestation. Not that those who get molested stink, but those who commit the crime do. I'll bet that people who molest people have an odor to them that is unlike most humankind. I promise you that you have smelled the stench of a molester before and you knew that something was wrong with them and you couldn't put your finger on it. Now you know. They touch little kids.

Granted, there are people who occasionally stink because they just worked out or they stepped in poop, but this article is here to salute those that make it a fashion statement. This article is a tribute to the perpetually stinky. To those of you reading this who stink, I salute you!

Email me or post your comments about the stink.

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