Tuesday, May 04, 2004

Amputees Redux!

I received well over 100 emails about my last weblog. The majority of them were supportive, but there were some detractors. The supportive emails went mostly like this:

Dear Kurt,

I know exactly what you mean about amputees. I've been a professional street fighter for over five years and I've been in the ring with approximately three different amputees. There's something about them, maybe it's their lack of complete body-ness, or the smug way that they think they can "do whatever everybody else can do" that makes me want to hurt them more, but there's something there. Next time I get out there and have to fight an "unfinished" as I like to call them, I'll make sure I punch them in their stump an extra time just for you.

Keep up the good work. You're hilarious. (<--he really wrote this, I wouldn't make it up)


That's how about 90 or so of the emails went, but apparently I have a huge amputee following. It's not that I really have ever punched an amputee, I just would, that's all. But here's one of the emails that I got:

From: threefourthswhole@yahoo.com
To: dirtiestbastard@hotmail.com


I can't believe you would write something like that. Are you serious? Why would you punch people just because they're missing body parts? That doesn't make sense. Besides, I'll bet you if you saw me on the streets you wouldn't pick a fight with me. I'm 6'4", 270 pounds of pure man. Sure, I'm missing my right arm, I have since I was born, but I would kick your ass with my hand tied behind my back. I don't know what I'd tie it to, maybe my belt loop if I wasn't wearing the bicycle shorts that I always wear, but I'd figure something out. I know, I'd use an intricate system of bungee cords and pullees that would ensure my hand would stay back there. Anyway, I'd win and you'd sit there crying like the little bitch that you are, hiding behind your keyboard and handsome face. Yeah, I said you're handsome. There are some universal truths in this world and that's one of them. I can hate you for being a full-bodyist (that's what us appendage-challenged call those who have prejudices against us), but I can also love you for looking like an angel.

Half yours,

This guy.

Well, there you have it. Maybe you agree with me or you don't disagree with me, but we can all agree that while you may hate the inside, you've got to love the outside --I'm like a doughnut filled with a mystery fluid. I'll give you a minute on that double negative I used back there at the beginning of that run-on sentence.

Email me to let me know about other things that don't relate to amputees. I can't deal with all of that email. How about you email me and tell me about your day or a scary story or the situations in which you would drink your own pee.

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