Monday, May 17, 2004

It's Current Events Time!

Nothing exciting is happening in my life right now, except for the fact that I went grocery shopping yesterday and bought some Orange Juice, so I'm going to write about whatever current events are on the front page of Google News right now.

Our first story is about gay people marrying other gay people in Massachusetts. I guess that the people that get married don't have to be gay, but then that would just be weird, so they should probably be gay just so they can avoid those awkward mornings after. I will never understand why people don't want the gays to be able to get married. It's funny because people against it always say, "Well, if you let a man (or woman) marry another man (or woman), what's next? a man marrying an dog?" I don't know where this leap comes from. As much as I would love to see this animal matrimony come to fruition, I don't think that that's the next logical step after allowing same-sex marriage. There is no step after this except for trans-whatever people wanting to marry people, but I think that that gets fixed by letting any person marry any other person. Anyway, my point is, let anybody marry whoever they want because I have fourteen flannel shirts for seven separate weddings that I am supposed to attend just sitting in my closet. Set my closet free! No, wait, I just thought of a better line. Let me empty out my closet, by filling those of the people who are no longer in theirs. It's a little wordy, but I like it.

On to news article number two (and I think the last one, this isn't exactly going gangbusters over here):

Gwyneth Paltrow had a baby!
...And she named it after the thing that killed Eve after it fell on her head and she discovered gravity and Adam shot it off her head with a bow and arrow in the Garden of Eden.

Give up? They named her Diaphragm!

Ok, I'm lying (by the way, if I ever accidentally have a child, I'm naming them Diaphragm.)

Apple Blythe Alison Martin is her name. She has FOUR names, three of which qualify as a first name and one that doesn't. The one that doesn't qualify is the one that they actually gave her as her first name. They think that they're fooling everybody by giving her so many first names that people won't notice that her real first name isn't actually a name, but a shampoo scent. Those tricky celebrities. The best part about this will be eighteen years from now when she decides that mommy was too busy making movies and daddy was too busy making songs that play during sad parts in movies that now she has to show her parents what this did to her by bumping uglies with a one-eyed Honduran teenage girl in the four hundredth Girls Gone Wild video.

Now, I could make a joke about having a son and naming him Banana, but that's too easy. It's a good thing I have the self-control to not say things like this.

I had some Captain Crunch about an hour ago and, surprisingly, the roof of my mouth is still in tact. Sometimes eating that stuff is like eating glass except without all the nutritious content.

Interesting thought of the day:
Babies are nature's way of punishing people for having sex.

Email me or post your comments here (I had to delete all of them so far because people tend to get out of hand).

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You're the funniest person who has ever written anything ever. I'm including Edgar Allan Poe when I say this.