Monday, May 16, 2005

Inappropriate: The Movie!

As a writer, I sometimes come up with ideas for movies that probably shouldn't be made. The following is a list of movies that I have come up with that are best left untouched.

Stuck In You - A coming-of-age comedy about a man who abuses his wife. One day, while giving her a much-deserved beating for letting the phone ring twice, he toe-punches her vagina and becomes stuck. Hilarity ensues when he has to go to work and deliver a big presentation with his wife still attached to his foot. Over the course of the day, the two grow closer together (pun intended and not!). They become so close, in fact, that after the man's foot is removed, they both decide that they're better off having his foot still jammed in her vagina where it will remain for eternity. End scene: After getting re-footed, the wife exclaims, "At least now your arms are too far to be able to punch me anymore!" They both laugh as the credits roll over the man swinging his arms wildly trying to punch his mouthy wife. Eventually he grabs a bat and beats he hell out of her. See? They've come full circle, but they've both learned something. And that's what movies are about: Learning, or porn.

Dog Days - A Holiday romantic-comedy about a man, David Freeman, who, after striking out with women, turns to the animal kingdom to fulfill his sexual needs. He decides that he's going to just be the cold, heartless, disconnected jerk that's just out for sex as a way of getting back at all the women who have slighted him. Instead, he ends up finding true love in the last place he would have thought to look (Beethoven's anus). Watch and laugh as David and Beethoven fight over not putting a new roll of toilet paper in the bathroom. Or, feel the sadness as David drops Beethoven off at the Pound in a case of cold feet as he seeks out younger tail (again with the puns! Does this guy ever stop?). Finally, feel the redemption as David arrives at the Pound to rescue Beethoven only to enter a moment after euthanasia has been applied. But, undeterred and still in love, the body is brought home where, while sobbing wildly, the dog corpse is made sweet love to for the last time. Miraculously, the power of man-dog love restarts Beethoven's heart and the two live happily ever after. Epilogue: Beethoven dies.

Riding the Bus with My Sister - Rosie O'Donnell plays a retarded woman and Andie MacDowell plays her sister. It will be kind of like Rain Man, but Rosie O'Donnell in the Dustin Hoffman role. This is probably the most inappropriate one on the list. I usually don't censor myself, but I thought that this one was just too distasteful even for me.

I think my brain needs a shower after writing all that.

Interesting thought of the day:
I get Muscular Dystrophy and Multiple Sclerosis mixed up because I don't care about either one.

No comments: