Tuesday, May 17, 2005

How to Blow Jobs!

I've been doing a lot of introspection lately (that's when you have somebody like a psychic put their thumb in your butt to tell your future) and I've come to realize a few reasons why I am currently unemployed.

  • I wear a headband, legwarmers, and a full suit of armor to every job interview.
  • I end every interview with "If you hire me, I'll try very, very hard not to rape anybody here, but I can't make any promises."
  • I always find a way to work in my infamous "How the United States would be so much better if the South won the Civil War" diatribe onto every job application.
  • I only apply at places where there is a direct ladder to climb that will put me at my ultimate goal: Snuff Film Director.
  • I have never learned the traditional "handshake" as many people know it. Therefore, out of nervousness, I resort to my primal instincts of throwing my shit at people.
  • When asked the question, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" My response of "Boning your wife on your houseboat" never goes over quite the way I feel it should.
  • When I send a Thank You card to the company that interviewed me, I probably shouldn't send the "Fat Girls Wearing Lingerie" novelty cards.
  • I arrive at the job interview in a rickshaw powered by my 9-year-old Vietnamese boy, Than.
  • When asked what my biggest fault is, I should definitely stick to something like "I'm just such a perfectionist" instead of "Sometimes, my cock feels like it's covered in Portuguese fire ants."
  • Right before I leave, I pull some condoms out of my pocket and say, "Well, I guess I won't be needing these," drop them on the desk, and walk out of the office.
If you all know any other reasons why I may not be getting these jobs, feel free to comment them below.

Interesting thought of the day:
Godzilla is more known for his city destruction than his charity work with underpriveleged and mentally handicapped children, and that's just sad.

1 comment:

JD said...

I thought this was going to be a step-by-step instruction entry. Boy was I disappointed!