Lady Laser and Her Magestic Baby Seal!

This post has nothing to do with the title, I just started typing and that happened.

On with the terribly disturbing show.

I'm not a boob guy. I realize that this sounds like a contradiction to most people since, if you're a straight guy, you are, by default, a boob guy. But that's just not me. I'm turned on by other things in a woman. Show me a girl with a nice, thick cock, and I'll be happy.

Is that gay?

I like it when a girl has a gigantic dick. I'm talking like one where I can't even wrap my fingers around it and have them touch. And I have long fingers. And I also have an insatiable hetero-thirst for a sexy-ass chick with a fierce dong.

I love it when she's wearing a thong and her balls dangle out both sides of the thin bottom, her hairy beanbag dissected by a thin strand of cotton. Maybe some dudes won't agree with me, but, trust me, it's way hot.

Plus, what good are boobs on a girl if she can't, without the use of outside devices, just piss all over them? I mean, sure, if we're at home, she can always use the goblet-shaped trophy I won in GATE for solving the stumper, but what if we're camping? I rarely bring that trophy camping. How is she going to turn me on by urinating all over her own titties if she isn't properly, naturally equipped.

By now, some of you are saying to yourselves, "What is this dude? A homo?" Calm down. I still let her know who wears the pants in the relationship. I won't ever go down on her after she fucks me in the ass. Only before.

And, finally, she better be sporting a half-closed, hermaphrodite vaginal slit starting at the base of her balls or that's just fucking gay.