Number One with a Tiny, Urine-Soaked Bullet!

Time and again I've expressed my disdain for using public urinals. I'll go to the bathroom with four walls around me, but urinals are things that only rapists would use if rapists ever went to the bathroom and not inside the hollowed-out skull of a recently-murdered hooker. I've tried to explain my hatred of them to people over the cacophonous echo produced by the pounding of the scientifically-improbable forked stream of inside juice on the water in the bowl in front of me, but people don't get it.

Now, however, I've brought visual evidence as to why I refuse using these terrible devices. I won't say exactly where this is, but I'll just say I have to use it a lot. Like about 8 hours a day. Not consecutively. I'd be emptying out the juice in my eyeballs after about 20 minutes.You see what we have here? Setups like this are why my penis cries itself to sleep at night (salty, bloody tears).

First, you'll notice the divider between the two. That's not a divider. All that is is a headrest for the dude peeing next to you to rest his chin on while he stares longingly into your eyes whlie you're going to the bathroom. Not cool.

Second, you'll notice the striking height difference between the two. Again, without giving too much away, I'll let you know that this particular urinal is in a place where children would not normally be. Now, that leaves two options for the circumstances surrounding somebody walking up and using that one while I'm using the one on the left. The first option is that somebody comes up with a mighty, Birmingham firehose stream of waste that will, undoubtedly, provide ample splashback and, thus, I now have some guy's piss all over my shoes. If I want somebody's urine on my legs, I'll go hang out in the kiddie pool. Fuck the restraining order.

The other circumstance is even worse than this. I'm standing there and a midget comes up next to me. Look, I don't mind midgets at all, but it's when he asks me for a boost that I lose it. How's a guy supposed to shit with a midget on his lap? Have you ever tried to take a dump with an erection?

See what I did there? There's like four twists in that last paragraph. Look out, M. Night Shyamalan. There's a new Hitchcockian sheriff in town and he's got his thesaurus open to the word shit.