Monday, June 19, 2006

Squeezing Blood from the Electric Stone!

The Internet, in its very existence, is meant to make people money. And when I say people, I'm talking about me. Now, while some may refer to me as a "monster" because of my penchant for clubbing baby seals with the skulls of third-term aborted fetuses filled with lead, I still technically classify on the scientific tree as a Homo Sapien. My Kingdoms and Phylums are the same as heroes of this world like Martin Luther King, Jr., Einstein, and George W. Bush.

Since the Internet is a place where people pass around money to one another like hugs at the Special Olympics, I've found that the best way to do this is become popular and sell stuff (I've outlined this easy-to-learn money-making process in my new, zero page book entitled, "Become Popular and Then Sell Stuff: A Winner's Guide to Money!"). But, everybody who makes money on the Internet has a hook. eBay has that whole thing where they pretend like they sell stuff to people. Amazon works in a similar way except they also sell circus animals. Then there are sites like who do entertaining things and then people buy their various merchandise adorned with the sayings or characters that have become popular.

Now, I've been writing this thing for almost three years now, so I must have accumulated a ton of things that can be put on legwarmers and the backs of pocketwatches that can be used for merchandising, right? Unfortunately, this is not the case. Therefore, I have two options.

The first option is that I completely stop this site, switch gears, and work on a brainchild of mine that has been haunting my dreams for the past few months with promise of tens of dozens of dollars pouring in. This is where I start a once-a-week, funny, Internet Chinese cooking show done only in text. I don't have many ideas beyond that except for the title: Wok and LOL. If that's not money in the bank, I don't know what is. That previous sentence is only half-true. I'll leave it to you to figure out which half it is. Email your answers to

So, since that's already been picked up by NBC and is in development as we speak, Kurtsy still needs to make some money until that drops Summer of '08 right after the new runaway smash hit Deal or No Deal, Just Kidding, You're Adopted.

That's where t-shirts come in. If you put the phrase "funny t-shirt" into the Internet, every web page comes up. Well, every web page that makes money. And, since I'm hilarious, and I fucking love shirts, that's where I come in.

I'm going to throw a few ideas out there and they'll all be awesome. Here goes.This is easy.
I love t-shirts!
Comedy comes in threes!
That's why I do four.

Man, it's like printing money. Except it's like what would happen if you could print the opposite of money. Some form of currency where it steals bits of your soul when you spend it. Like what happens when you buy clothes for animals.

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