If I Wrote This...

O.J. Simpson, the man known worldwide for his Hertz commercials and co-starring roles in the Naked Gun films will be coming out with a book called "If I Did It" which is about some murders he was accused of committing some years ago. I'm not sure; I haven't really heard too much about this.

The title of the book is something which I have decided to use to recount "fictional" happenings in my own life. Here are some of my sample titles.

• If I Peed on That One Girl's Butt
• If I Once Lost a Grape in My Own Ass
• If I Was Very Ass-Oriented
• If I Convinced a Homeless Man to Lick Me Clean
• If I Didn't Shower
• If I Tried to Fellate Myself Using a Series of Interlocked, Wet Cardboard Toilet Paper Rolls
• If I Had a Werewolf Buried in My Backyard
• If I Jerked off to an Episode of The Muppet Show on Multiple Occasions