Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Did Diddy Do Diddly? Boy, Did He!

Yeah. The title. I know.

Sean "Diddy" Combs, producer of such songs as "I'm Sad You Got Shot and Died," and "Too Bad Bullets Ain't Made of Chocolate Chips Instead," was accused of battery by a real estate agent in Los Angeles.

I only glanced over the story because reading is a sign of infertility, but I think I know how this transpired.

INT. HOLLYWOOD HOTEL - MORNING
DIDDY, a man monetarily wealthy, but broke talent-wise, approaches real estate agent GERARD who looks startled.

DIDDY
Yo, Gerard! Where my house?

GERARD
Wh-What?

DIDDY
Where my house?

GERARD
Wear your house? Like clothing? It's
a house, sir. I can't wear it. I can
try it on if you like, but it will be
too big. I'm sure of it.

DIDDY
No. Not wear my house. Where my
house?

GERARD
I hear the words that you're
saying, Mr. Diddy, but it just
doesn't make sense grammatically.

DIDDY
(yelling)
Where my house? Where my mufucking
house?

GERARD
Okay. You want me--oh, I see what
you're saying. You're asking me where
is your house.

DIDDY
Yeah, son. Where my house?

GERARD
Now I get it. You were just being
niggardly with your use of verbs.

DIDDY
Oh, hell nah. What'd you just call me?

GERARD
Oh, shit. It's not what it sounds like--

Diddy, plus or minus three BODYGUARDS, beats the Hell out of Gerard.

DIDDY
I'm-a remix your face, son.

BODYGUARD ONE
Good one, sir.

BODYGUARD TWO
Yes. Hilarious.

Fin.

1 comment:

eob said...

Your screenplay-style posts always give me a good laugh. Thanks for introducing me to the word 'niggardly'. Now I just have to use it 3 times today to get it cemented into my vocabulary.