"Dude. I Was So Wasted..."

I went to a Barbecue yesterday with a lot of people I didn't know. It was fine; the food was good, there was a kid in a wheelchair. Whatever. But in each group of people, there's always at least one guy who annoys the hell out of me who just so happens to love to talk to me. There are a few different types of this guy that exist. The guy yesterday wasn't the epitome of what I hate, so life wasn't all that bad.

This guy was the kind of guy that, once he sees that you're looking at him when he's talking, it's over. He is stuck with you the rest of the party while he talks to you about how funny it is that he got caught drinking when he was in the Army. He's also the kind of guy that made it a point to tell me how much he made in a year doing construction and, as he says, "all without a college degree." It's worse when I would get up and leave and I'd be free for a few minutes, then he'd peek his head into the room, and I know what he's scanning for: me. When he sees me, he perks up and walks into the room standing next to me. "Hey. Thought you were coming back."

"I kind of got caught up out here."

Before I even finish lying because, regardless of what you see here, I'm not a huge douche in real life, he's already talking again.

"Anyway, so I cracked the sternum of this little Mexican kid that works for me..."

Oh how I wanted to be that Mexican kid. A hospital room. An adobe hut. A fucking Tijuana Prison. Anything would have been better than being with that tool. And I don't know what it is about me, but I try so desperately to not be the guy that morons and idiots want to talk to at a party, but, for some reason, I'm like a magnet for these dickbags.

Little did I know that, earlier at the Barbecue, before he latched onto me like that goddamn leech on Gordy's penis in Stand By Me, I was laughing out loud at his child.

This was the first time I really felt like an old-ass bastard because there were about ten kids there and I didn't want to fuck them all. No. I mean because all these people who were almost my contemporaries had kids. But I digress.

His kid, which I should have known was his kid upon first glance because of what he was wearing, was such a spaz. He was probably about ten years old and he was sporting a Batman outfit that was too big for him. It was awesome in that way where it makes me feel proud to have seen it because there's no way I can do it justice. The Batman logo was almost all worn out except for about a fourth of it that included the tops of the ears and part of the left wing. The majority of it was gray except for the part that was "where the bathing suit covers." This part was black, but it was either all stretched out from too many peepee dances, or taken from his dad's own Batman costume. Like I said, this description in no way does it justice, but trust me; it was horrible. I wanted to beat the kid up on principal just so he would know what was going to be on its way for the next ten years of his life until he stopped wearing a goddamn Batman costume in the middle of February. But I couldn't do that because, if I did, I probably would have torn my Thor cape.

Interesting thought of the day:
Hot dogs are made partially from ground-up Unicorn. Other ingredients include: rain boots; Sandy Duncan's old glass eyes; and recycled World War II battleships.