Thursday, February 24, 2005

Minority Report!

A witness in a plot to kill President Bush has been confirmed as being dead for 17 months. This was shocking news to White House Secret Service who also recently discovered that Bush was assassinated 18 months ago. In even worse news, a secretary at the White House leaked word that Bruce Willis was DEAD THE WHOLE TIME!

On the topic of children seeing things they shouldn't, Michael Jackson's jury was picked today. If you're unfamiliar with Michael Jackson, he's the missing link on the left. I think it was smart of him to get the nose with the reservoir tip.

It's a jury of eight women, four men, every late-night talk show host, blogger, and human on the planet. I think he's got a chance!

And, in news that god really does do some good, he has broken up the music group Korn. It turns out that one of the guitarists, Brian 'Head' Welch, found Jesus and Jesus told him to stop making shitty rap-rock music and start making shitty Christian music. It pleases me to no end to know that millions of fucking poseurs around the world are mad at god because of this.

Interesting thought of the day:
Tea is the one drink named after a letter that people should enjoy. Pee is the one that only German people and the molested enjoy.

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