Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Dirty Thirty (one)!

You know what 31% is? It's a big piece of pie. Like, it's enough to probably give you a stomach ache if you ate it in one sitting. Well, maybe if you got it a la mode and with lots of whipped cream and maybe some e.coli.

It's not so bad.

I mean, do you have any idea what 31% of a billion dollars is? It's still a lot of money. It's well over a million and that would last me for a long time.

If only 31% of all the people on earth all jumped up and down at the exact same time, it would cause an earthquake and ensuing tsunamis that could maybe kill some seals or at least a starfish or two.

You know what percentage of professional basketball players have won a championship? I don't, but it's got to be less than 31%.

Lately I've heard a lot of people complaining about how low the number 31% is. Have you even taken a look on a chart at how much 31% takes up?If somebody said to me, "Hey, you can have sex with 31% of Jessica Alba," I'd be perfectly happy.

31% of a rainbow is red, orange, and a little bit of yellow, and that's enough to make a Big Stick from the ice cream man. Ain't nothing wrong with that 31%.

"Hey! We're Science and we just figured out how to help humans live 31% longer." Thanks, Science. You just proved that 31% is a good thing.

On the news, it said there was a 31% chance of rain today. If you think 31% is a low number, then why did it rain? Suck on that, liberals.

I've never been a big fan of numbers anyway. I mean, what does it matter if the President's approval rating is only 31%? If that 31% controls 90% of the money in the United States, then it looks like that 31% just became 273%. I ran that by NASA and they said that I was 31% correct about that equation. If it's good enough for NASA...

Besides, if there was a swimming pool filled with sharks and you told me that 31% of those sharks had guns, I'd listen to the sharks with guns. Do you see where I'm going here? You can trust a shark holding a gun because it's like a lion with a crossbow. It was in Lion King II: Simba's Pride. A lion holding a crossbow always knows more than one that isn't.

"I'm sorry, sir. You have cancer and there's a 31% chance that you'll survive." 31 percent? That cancer is as good as gone! Epilogue: That guy died.

In closing, don't fret, President George W. Bush. 31% of the people in the United States like you. Think of it as just a progress report. It doesn't count toward your final grade, but you'll need to get a B on the final in order to pass. You can get a B on the final, right, Mr. President? Maybe you can do some extra credit. I think Karl Rove can help you. He'll have plenty of time soon.

1 comment:

little.girl.blue said...

i just thought it might interest you to know that in the time it took me to read all about your dirty thirty [one] and subsequent not so dirty sixty-nine. i managed to get myself off, sob your name so loud the conversation outside my window stopped, and decide to wear socks today.