Saturday, May 27, 2006

A Leap Forward in Evolution!

Over the weekend, the world was treated to the next step in human evolution. I'm not talking about X Men 3: The Last Stand. No. I'm talking about the birth of the ├╝ber-baby, Shiloh Nouvel Pitt-Jolie.

You're thinking, "Shiloh? What kind of a name is that?"

People thought Jesus was a weird name, too. Then it turned out he could fly and shoot lasers out of his eyes. Suck it, mortals.

Namibia's the new Bethlehem. Mangers are so 0000.

The birth was not an inconsequential event as are all Homo Sapien births.

In a hut somewhere in Namibia (I'm pretty sure that's a planet inhabited by lizard people), perfection manifest was brought upon the world. Instead of being forced out, covered in blood, into the welcoming arms of a doctor or dumpster, the baby hovered out of the beautifully-manicured vagina of Miss Angelina Jolie encased in a rotating two-dimensional crystal frame exactly like that which imprisoned the most powerful supervillians in existence in Superman II.Unfortunately she was born a girl because General Zod Jolie-Pitt sounds way cooler.

With a twitch of her eyebrow, she broke free of her crystal prison. Anybody in the room, aside from her parents, who laid their eyes upon the unimaginable beauty presented before them had their eyes melt out of their skull like crayons left on the dashboard of a car on a hot day. Only, don't forget, these are eyeballs and not Raw Umber. It's, like, way creepier.

"Mother. Father," Shiloh said, "I'd like to play with my siblings."

Not at all shocked by their newborn child's ability to speak perfect English, they prepared to leave their Namibian hovel. So, Miss Jolie took a wetnap and daintily wiped the edges of her vagina. Mr. Pitt filmed Ocean's Thirteen in that fifteen seconds, nearly doubling the time it appeared they spent making that god-awful shitfest of a cinematic abortion Ocean's Twelve. His words, not mine (editor's note: Those are words!).

Soon, the trio will be making the rounds on all of the talk shows melting eyeballs all around the world. Remember, if you want to look at the baby, you have to do it through a hole in a cardboard box.

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