Jokes Around World Write Themselves!

Dateline - Planet Earth

Tired of having to wait around until they're brought into existence by the human mind, jokes have somehow managed to find a way to will themselves into being. This is evidenced by the fact that over the weekend Michael Jackson visited a Tokyo orphanage.

Fucking really?

It's taking every fiber of my soul not to make the jokes that so desperately want to be made. I promise you, Jay Leno heard this story and got his first erection he's had in fifteen years since it was declared clinically dead after he saw Sandra Bernhard naked.

So, out of protest, since I'll have to kill myself if I make the too terribly easy comments that want to be made, I'm going to pretend none of this actually happened.

In sad news, the guy who played the principal in The Breakfast Club, Paul Gleason, died. The even sadder part? It was from blood loss after somebody taped his ass cheeks together. The article says he was 67, but I think that's two years off; I believe he was 65. He got a fake I.D. at 16 so he could vote. For those attending the services, food will be provided. I hope you like crushed-up Captain Crunch and Pixie Stix on white bread. There will also be PB and J with the crusts cut off. If I believed in Heaven, I'd like to think he'd be up there crackin' skulls--especially Jesus's.

Also, Michael Jackson visited an orphanage in Japan. I don't know what he's thinking. With those kids, he'll just be horny an hour later.

Fucking kill me.