I've decided to use this blog to help better my fellow man (or woman--I seem to attract a bevy of lovely ladies who read me on a regular basis almost all of whom have sent me naked, near-naked, or not-naked-at-all pictures of themselves, don't be the last).
That's why I've decided to share with you certain recipes that I use in my daily life. And, as you can tell by the title, today's recipe is for Uncomfortable Salad.
How to Make an Uncomfortable Salad:
- Get a bowl and fill it with a series of uncomfortable handshakes where you rub the back of the person's neck while they're shaking your hand and look them, unblinking, in the eyes.
- Chop up a fine assortment of leaving the bathroom door open while your in-laws are over (number one works for this, but number two really gets the job done--ask somebody to bring you a magazine for added zest).
- Sprinkle in a dash of going to a near empty movie theater and sitting right next to a random person. Make sure you stare straight ahead almost the entire time, except during tense moments when you should slowly turn your gaze toward them.
- As desired, run around your closest college campus approaching as many strangers as you can and reach toward their belly button giggling, "Innie or Outtie? Innie or Outtie? An innie, good. I hate outties worse than I hate the birthmarked" (make sure you pronounce this as birthmark-ed, like Shakespearean style).
- Don't forget to apply liberally a coating of sitting next to somebody on a bus bench, pulling out your cell phone, and saying something like, "No, Daddy! You know I only kiss if I really like them." This works best if you're a man. If you're a woman, try, "I know, I've seen thousands of them, but this one...can a penis have scoliosis?"