Thursday, May 04, 2006

I'm Making Uncomfortable Salad!

I've decided to use this blog to help better my fellow man (or woman--I seem to attract a bevy of lovely ladies who read me on a regular basis almost all of whom have sent me naked, near-naked, or not-naked-at-all pictures of themselves, don't be the last).

That's why I've decided to share with you certain recipes that I use in my daily life. And, as you can tell by the title, today's recipe is for Uncomfortable Salad.

How to Make an Uncomfortable Salad:

  • Get a bowl and fill it with a series of uncomfortable handshakes where you rub the back of the person's neck while they're shaking your hand and look them, unblinking, in the eyes.
  • Chop up a fine assortment of leaving the bathroom door open while your in-laws are over (number one works for this, but number two really gets the job done--ask somebody to bring you a magazine for added zest).
  • Sprinkle in a dash of going to a near empty movie theater and sitting right next to a random person. Make sure you stare straight ahead almost the entire time, except during tense moments when you should slowly turn your gaze toward them.
  • As desired, run around your closest college campus approaching as many strangers as you can and reach toward their belly button giggling, "Innie or Outtie? Innie or Outtie? An innie, good. I hate outties worse than I hate the birthmarked" (make sure you pronounce this as birthmark-ed, like Shakespearean style).
  • Don't forget to apply liberally a coating of sitting next to somebody on a bus bench, pulling out your cell phone, and saying something like, "No, Daddy! You know I only kiss if I really like them." This works best if you're a man. If you're a woman, try, "I know, I've seen thousands of them, but this one...can a penis have scoliosis?"
Chill and serve on a plate made of diarrhea farts. That's how you go out highbrow!

3 comments:

Phil said...

speaking of uncomfortable salad, did you see Stephen Colbert at the while White House press association deal? It was probably the most hysterical thing I've ever seen. I'm pretty Dubya is gonna have him snuffed out.

blue.vinyl said...

youtube took it off their site. that's some bullshit.

and kurt, i promise, when i get all kinds of loaded tonight, and inevitably lose a shoe or some undergarments [do i have to wear them to lose them. or can i just pretend i wore them and then at the appropriate level of drunkness announce that i took them off, and everyone will think im getting naked, when the truth of the matter is that i was already half naked, and then the world will be bummed. because everyone loves a drunk half dressed coworker who puts out enough to live in a pseudo bubble of rockstar stylized gossip but spends more time wearing out batteries than she does on her knees. quick question before i end this paranthetical willyoumarryme discussion. are bruised knees cool? like. will it get me into the 4square game faster...because i'm really fucking tired of tetherball.] i'll try not to message you and ask you to do any more nonsensical things. like emailing random guys and letting them know how much you appreciated their services.

ps. i baked cupcakes. they are white. i also baked frosting. they are green. i baked white and green cupcakes and they are amazing. truly. like...i feel a bit in awe of the absolute perfection of these things. the dome. the white. the gooey bits. the soft texture against my tongue. the way it melts when it slides down my throat. and the sweetness i can taste on my lips when it's gone.

Kurt said...

I saw it, Phil, but I've read so much about it already, and his performance was so awesome, that anything I write would pale in comparison.

Somebody Took Prince's Hamper, Very Lame.