To the Mighty Who Have Fallen!

Every once in a while, it is important to pay tribute to those who have made the world a better place for everybody, but are no longer living.

The spotlight today is on Dr. James Thaddeus Helvetica. It is a sad state of affairs when Blogger offers the Verdana font, yet Helvetica is nowhere to be found. Did Rachel Verdana-Gomez ever slay a dragon while riding a genuine Hasoi skateboard? No. Did Klaus Times New Roman do anything besides steam Jewish people? Hardly. Yet they are both heavily represented in the font world.

Dr. Helvetica is the reason that gravity works the way that it does. Dr. Helvetica single-handedly overturned Communism in Soviet Russia. He is the only human being ever known to be able to take flight under nothing but the power of his own flatulence. In fact, he is the only man to have ever birthed and breastfed an entire softball team composed of Centaurs. It is truly sad that a font is what he is best known for, yet we can't even acknowledge him on a regular basis.

As a tribute, I'm going to wear a Helvetica lowercase 't' around my neck. Maybe I'll start a trend.

Interesting thought of the day:
I know this entry wasn't funny, but I'm leaving it anyway to piss you off that you had to read it. That's what you get for reading and not commenting on my last one; that one was hilarious.

Boner Jokes: Redux!

A while back, I commented on the unfortunate wording in a headline talking about Viagra's profits.

Well, this time, the jokes actually write themselves.

Pfizer: No link between Viagra, blindness

In fact, they write themselves so much that I can't actually find the correct way to phrase even one of them. It's a train wreck of masturbation jokes in my head--AND THERE ARE NO SURVIVORS!

But, out of the smoky rubble limps one portly lad with a fresh limp carrying a package he promised he would deliver to his mother. Inside that package? Just this note:

The makers of Viagra announced that they're going to start putting a warning label on all prescriptions of their miracle erection-enhancing pills that it could cause blindness if used alone. This is expected to be followed in the coming months (no pun intended, until I realized how awesome it was) by warnings that it could cause hairy palms and for "God to cry because you touch yourself."

Nobody knows for sure who that little boy was, but some say he had a rather large chin, a squeaky voice, and was followed everywhere he went by a black man holding a jazz guitar who laughed way too hard at everything the boy said.

Other remnants found in the wreckage included:

"...Old Wives rejoice as their tales hit the mass market in the form of Viagra warning labels...but the celebration turns to horror as thousands of backs are broken as a result of their children stepping on cracks."

"...A blind man in Ohio rushed to hospital after funnelling hundreds of Viagra into his sphincter in hopes of reversing his vision problem. In related news, the first asshole boner has been discovered and, according to scientists, 'It's disgusting and soaking wet.'"

Huzzah! Boners!

Interesting thought of the day:
"Foster children" is Australian for "failed abortions."

Baby Geniuses 3: Adult Geniuses!

When I was a kid, I had this feeling that I was smarter than most of the adults that surrounded me. As I grew up and actually became an adult (in age and penis size only), I realized that it wasn't just a feeling, but, instead, a cold, hard fact.

The following e-mail was sent to me by somebody who works in an office, so s/he has to put up with a lot of inter-office memos. If I ever received something like this, I would probably go to the person's desk who sent this and punch them in the head until my knuckles were covered in unused brain cells and barrettes.

Kurt, here is a solid sampling of the intelligence I am surrounded by on a daily basis.
-----Original Message-----
From: This motherfucker
Sent: Friday, June 24, 2005 5:02 PM
To: That motherfucker
Subject: FW: Yogurt in Refridgerator


what is she talking about?? I can write better than that.
-----Original Message-----
From: The Office Retard
Sent: Friday, June 24, 2005 1:20 PM
To: Office people
Subject: Yogurt in Refridgerator


To keep the kitchen mess at a minimum, I put all of this mornings yogurts are in the Refridgerator when I was cleaning up.

Sincerely,

Mungo the Rockbiter

I changed the names, but the message remains the same.

First, if you don't know how to spell refrigerator, don't use it. It's a tough one, so stick with fridge; people will still understand what you're talking about.

Second, if you're only writing a one sentence e-mail to everybody in the department, it can't be beneath you to proofread it once. I understand how, when one is constructing such a complex sentence using one whole comma, that they can lose track of where they are and fuck up a verb tense or even put in a verb where it's not necessary. But, please, if you can't re-read your 24 words one time before you send it out, you should be forced to simply make drawings that convey what you're trying to say.

Finally, I'm not going to harp on the fact that she doesn't have an apostrophe in 'mornings'. I'm also not going to dwell on her ending the sentence in a preposition. Those are both things that some people don't bother to deal with correcting when they're writing (mostly because they don't know that it's wrong). But capitalizing 'Refridgerator'? Twice? Maybe I was wrong that she was misspelling refrigerator, but, instead, was using its proper name that it prefers.

"Refridgerator says he wants some more yogurt. Also, Coffee Maker and Microwave need tomorrow off."

I wish I worked with idiots. Or at all.

Interesting thought of the day:
If one pushes hard enough, they can actually poop out their own lungs.

Jesus Stole My Internet!

Last night, I got home from my old-folks home booty call and, much to my chagrin, dismay, and discomfiture (thanks, dictionary.com), my internet wasn't working. Well, sort of.

See, I have wireless internet that I connect to in my room through the router in my brother's room. When I tried to use my internet, it was connected to somebody else's wireless internet (which is really slow). For some reason, my computer couldn't find the internet available through my brother's room.

I went and restarted the router and I was able to connect. I figured it was just some weird glitch. But, it doesn't end there. Apparently, since I had the connection open and available for anybody to connect to, somebody nearby in my complex decided to do so. I wouldn't have cared if they did that, really. It's not costing me anything extra.

But, it turns out that it was The Jesus that was monitoring my internet activity and I read in the Bible that he really frowns upon hours and hours of video of man-on-man action where they're dressed in suits of armor and/or like peasant boys being downloaded. Because, shortly after I restarted the router, I was disconnected again. Only this time, the name of it had been changed (to GOOD and then LOCKED) and the password was changed. I couldn't connect to my own damn internet.

I eventually was able to get control over it again, but I wanted to run around my complex knocking on doors and beating the shit out of whatever little kid decided that it would be funny to try to take over my internet. Nobody gets between me and my miles and miles of photoshopped pictures of Bea Arthur in a three-way with Estelle Getty and the dead guy from "Empty Nest."

I can't post any of the "naughtier" pictures, but, this is how they all start. They're always in black and white, and they always involve a Victorian setting.


Interesting thought of the day:
If I found a bigfoot in the wild, I would teach it how to kickbox and take it everywhere I went dressed up in a tuxedo.

Diary of a Mad Black Man!

Well, I have absolutely nothing to write about, so I'm going to put my name into google image search, find a picture of another guy named Kurt, and make stuff up about him.

And, here's our lucky guy:

Kurt is a fun guy to be around when he's had a couple of beers. Sometimes--he's so crazy--but, sometimes, he'll stand up on a table and flap his arms like a chicken WHILE wiggling his butt! But, if you ask his wife's permanent limp and broken eye socket, sometimes Kurt can drink a little too much.

The stain you see on Kurt's shirt is "spaghetti sauce." Who knew that spaghetti sauce came out of his wife's nose when she tried to ask him a question while the Rangers were on TV and, appropriately, paid the price.

Aside from that, though, Kurt has three kids. His youngest, Kevin (9), is much too flamboyant for Kurt's tastes (putting him in football and "taking away that faggy ribbon he always twirls around like a goddamn lady gymnast" hasn't helped) and, unbeknownst to either of them, is going to grow up to set the record for most cocks sucked in an hour (surpassing my 62 by a mind-boggling 35!).

His middle child, Kyle (13), is taking after daddy nicely. He goes hunting with his dad once a month and punches the black kid in class "because he has weird hair." In 2015, he will be sentenced to 15 years in prison for armed robbery and beating his younger brother senseless for "being such a queer."

Finally, his oldest child, Katie (16), is only on her second pregnancy. For being in Kurt's family, that's pretty good. She lost her first pregnancy when she had a miscarriage*. It's weird, though, she "doesn't know how she got pregnant, unless you can get it from kissing boys close-mouthed."

Aside from the family, his job selling appliances takes up most of his time. That's why it's understandable that he gets so angry when he gets home and dinner isn't ready. It sure does help to punch somebody in the mouth when you're mad at them. It also solves a lot of problems. He should know; he was a psychology major at the community college until his girlfriend/wife, then 15, had to go and get pregnant. If she would have just listened and let him put it in her butt instead, he wouldn't have had to take the job at the store and drop out of school. It's her fault that his life sucks.

*repeated steel-toed boots to the abdomen by her on-again, off-again, on-again boyfriend, CJ.

Interesting thought of the day:
"Looking all sexy and shit" is the leading cause of rape in the United States.