Thursday, October 28, 2004

Syphilitic Paper Cuts!

Besides being a totally kick-ass band name, syphilitic paper cuts can be achieved by having sex with this, the world's biggest origami penis. The sad part is that the man acquired the huge, college-ruled cock while attending the castration of a giant, paper child molester in Singapore. The penis fell and crushed his sister and, like the rules of the bouquet at a wedding, whoever catches the cock, gets to keep it--then they will be the next to be castrated. On a side note, the tool used for castration was the world's largest pumpkin carving knife.

I talked in my last post about that huge poser in a couple of my classes. Well, to add more fuel to the fire, we had to watch the film Mulholland Drive. For those that don't know about this film, it's by David Lynch, the guy who wrote and directed Twin Peaks. The movie is this tangled spiral of confusion, misdirection, and purposeful ambiguity. It's incoherent and the dialogue is written like a shitty made-for-TV movie. But, because it's so strange, people like Ass-Hat Johnson think that it's a "masterpiece." That was actually the word he used to describe it. I mean, in a way it's a masterpiece because it has Naomi Watts in two lesbian scenes, but that's not how he meant it. He meant that it was a masterpiece because it was so deep and meaningful. What a goddamn moron. He's the same type of person who says they like Abstract Art. See, nobody really likes Abstract Art, they just say that they do because it makes everybody else look at them and say, "Wow, you understand it? You must be so smart." I want to shit a never-ending stream of oreo cookie-induced diarrhea onto their head and claim it in the name of art. I don't think they'd "get it" then.

Well, I've met my dick and shit joke requirement for the day--time to go.

Interesting thought of the day:
Raw bacon, despite what a hooker might tell you, does not work well as a prophylactic. But it does work well as something to throw instead of rice at a PETA wedding.

3 comments:

whore said...

singapore? ok anyways.. start eating your words... red sox won.. hahaha..

Drew said...

Don't let that posing stack of pomposity cramp your style. Sure, he'll probably skate through college, 'impressing' his professors by jamming his tongue up their asses. Sure, he'll probably wind up fucking all the really hot girls that wear cuffed jeans that think he's an intellectual. Sure, he'll wind up accidentally making some girl come for the first time in her life only to find out later that her dad is head of Miramax and then parlay that into a ridiculously overpaid career producing awful art films.

On second thought, he might be Damien, so you'd better burn him alive just to be safe.

Christopher said...

Man, fuck everything about Mulholland Drive.

It's no masterpiece.

You can tell exactly at what point in the "film" he stopped writing it for TV (it was supposed to be a made for TV series), and started writing it for theatres (which is when the story takes a nose dive).

The only save grace was the titties.