Tuesday, October 05, 2004

THEN I WILL THROW YOU OUT THE WINDOW!

In what's probably one of the best stories of the year, a retarded boy tried to murder his teacher by pushing her out of a window in Ohio. When his teacher wouldn't let him get out of the third floor window where another student had tossed a pencil by placing her body in the window frame, the boy said, "Then I will throw you out the window!" and proceeded to try to push her. I have a tough time believing this story because if a retarded kid wants to move something, he'll do it. They're strong like ants. I once saw a retarded child move an entire house because he saw a kitty crawl beneath it.

The X Prize has been won by Burt Rutan and Paul Allen. This is not the famous comedy duo of the early 1900's, Rutan and Allen, known for their hilarious Vaudeville routines about the turn of the century's newest fad, necrophilia. No, these are two rich guys who wanted to fly into space. They're like that guy from 'N Sync without all the sucking so hard. They won $10 million for being privately funded and getting a manned aircraft to fly into space two times within two weeks or something like that. Truth is, I'm too lazy to actually read exactly what it's about, but I know that there was a collective achieving of erections by dorks all around the world when this news was announced. Star Wars pillowcases everywhere were ruined in unison when the aftereffects of an intellectually-induced erection-turned-pillow-humping session were "realized" all over Boba Fett's jetpack.

The Vice-Presidential debates are going to be held tomorrow night in Cleveland. I think that John Edwards could easily win the debate if he plays the September Eleventh card. All he has to do is say to Cheney:

"Somebody's coming through, his name starts with a J. He says that he died in the Twin Towers on September Eleventh and it's all Dick Cheney and George W. Bush's fault. If they're re-elected, God says that everybody who died on September Eleventh will go to Hell. "
There would be nothing Cheney could say because John Edwards can totally talk to dead people. All Cheney does is smell like one. Interestingly enough, scientists have found exactly what that smell is. It's a combination of CamphoPhenique, Baby Powder, Polident, and old balls. It's mostly old balls. If they made an ingredients list, that would have to go first.

Finally, Mt. St. Helens is a big, fat liar and is never going to overflow and spill its warm, sugary goodness onto the lucky Washington residents below. People are under the misconception that the lava only kills, but, I'll tell you one thing, nobody's ever tried it on some Triple Dipple Fudge ice cream. It's like really hot fudge--that may kill you. I don't even think it's a real volcano, but, instead, somebody bought a lot of dry ice and took it to the top of a mountain in order to scare away all the townspeople so they could dig up some treasure that's supposed to be buried there. And he would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those pesky kids.


Excerpt from an old Rutan & Allen routine:

Rutan
Say, Allen, did ya hear about that new morgue that opened up down the block?

Allen
I sure did! It's called Pleasant Memories Mortuary, isn't it?

Rutan
That it is, old friend of friends! But they should call it Pleasant Mammaries! Yayaya!

(Music and a lot of stepping sideways quickly follow until music stops)

Allen
Wow, old chum. Who'd have thought that you like to make love to dead people?

Rutan
Make love? Who said anything about making love? The best thing about these dead dames is that they don't make you put a ring on their finger. Hell, I wouldn't even wear a condom if it weren't for all the maggots!

(More music and stepping sideways as the curtains close and the entire crowd begins to weep silently.)

Interesting thought of the day:
If you're walking next to people and you're taking up the entire width of the sidewalk, chances are there are people behind you wanting to pass your slow ass--SO FUCKING MOVE.*

*This message is brought to you by me and directed toward those slow whores moseying to class in front of me this morning.

2 comments:

Christopher said...

My favorite is when the people walking in front of you are fat black women with asses the size of a small planet. That way, it's more fun to try and squeeze through the two fat people.

Then they have the nerve to say, "Watch where you're walking, fatass!" No matter what body shape you have. You're the fatass.

Also, what's with the Scooby Doo picture?

Anonymous said...

its great when people are so fat they have to walk around themselves. Swing one leg around the other, and they make that swoooshing noise. Sure you could pass them, then again why pass up mobile comedy?