Sunday, October 31, 2004

If I Could Turn Back Time...

I'm quoting Cher because as I'm writing this, I'm in a sea of time that doesn't exist and, as you know, everybody becomes very gay when this happens. I think, if I wanted to or wasn't lazy, I could go out and rape somebody or something in the 2 o'clock hour before it's 2 o'clock again for good ole Daylight's Savings Time and there would be no repercussions. I heard a rumor or I completely made it up, that in this one hour, a person can do anything they want and the laws of man, god, and physics don't apply to them. Just for craps and hahas I'm going to go out right after I write this, sneak into somebody's house, and empty out my balls on their XBox controllers. While that's not technically breaking the laws of physics, what I didn't mention was that I will totally be levitating the whole time I do this.

So, I saw Saw today. That's a lot of 'S's, motherfuckers! Alliteration all up in this beeotch. The movie was fine. It's definitely something to see around Halloween because it's gory and messed up, but a lot of the writing was so shitty it hurt my feelings. I forgive it, though, because it's always good to see The Dread Pirate Roberts getting some more work. That bastard doesn't get in enough films. But, the worst part about the experience was this balding, redneck whore-woman toward the front of the theatre who wouldn't shut her fucking four good teeth up. I was in the back and I could hear her dumb ass talking. She was doing the stereotypical talking to the screen thing, but she was doing it after every fucking line. "So, how are you doing?" "He's going to say he's fine," she'd say then I could actually hear the smug smile on her liver-spotted face after he'd say that like she's the goddamn Kreskin of movies.

Also, I got carded by the guy at the theater when I bought the movie tickets. I'm 26 goddamn years old and he wanted to see my ID. I do look young, as you can tell by the Mexican wrestling mask, I don't look a day over diez, but I'm still not sure if I should be flattered by it or pull out my cock and slap him in the face with it while yelling, "Does this look like the knob of a young boy to you?" Maybe he had a reason to check my ID, though, I was holding a lollipop, wearing a sailor outfit, and (insert very hilarious remark about fellating a priest and/or Michael Jackson).

Back on the subject of Daylight Savings Time real quick: I don't know if I've written about this before, but it bugs me to no end when, after the time changes, somebody says something like, "Wow, it's eight o'clock--but it's really nine." No, you retard, it's really eight. The time changed, it's not like everybody is just pretending, but you really know the secret. The time changed, bitch. Get used to it.

I will end with an actual joke that I thought was hilarious. I never remember jokes, so hopefully someday when I'm rereading this and remembering how consistently anti-hilarious I've been, I'll see this and finally go through with the suicide.

How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

No comments: