Apes Go Themselves!

Before you goddamn bastards say something about how chimpanzees aren't apes, I know this, but I really liked the title.

You've probably heard by now, but two chimpanzees beat the shit out of some guy named St. James Davis and his wife, LaDonna Davis. I would like to presume that the chimps were mauling these people simply because of their pretentious names, but I don't think that's the case. Instead, I think it's because they were jealous that their primate friend, Moe, was being brought a cake for his birthday. Apparently the two chimps who attacked, Buddy and Ollie, were on the South Beach Diet and had specific requests not to "have cake within five miles of me or my ass just starts to swell--seriously, it just goes right to my hips."


And when chimps set out to send a message, they do it in spades. The woman got part of her finger bitten off which isn't so bad considering what happened to our canonized friend. He had things severed. That's not severed as in made more important; that's severed as in removed. Now, I don't think it's normal procedure to give monkeys or any animals access to hand tools (except for the one day that they let the retarded kids play in woodshop class--but even then they hide all the sharp things), so that means that this all had to be done by the chimp's strength alone. St. James had his foot severed. Did a chimp rip the foot off of a man? If so, they are my new favorite animals--sorry, unicorns. But, the best part is that either Buddy or Ollie landed on St. James Place and ripped the shit off. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. He got his balls removed by a chimp. That's so damn awesome, like a kitten wearing a sweater.

One of the chimps, Ollie, had been shot by somebody who wanted it to stop (not sure why, sounds pretty kick-ass to me) and he just shook it off like Jason in Friday the 13th and dragged the guy down the road with him. No wonder these people at this farm had six chimps; they know how fucking sweet chimps are. If I had a farm of chimps I would give them stuff to rip apart just so I could watch. You know, like babies or packages of potato chips that are really greasy on the outside so it's all difficult and shit to get a hold of them.

Interesting thought of the day:
If you're that person who waits until the last second to merge on the freeway so you can avoid the long line, just know that one of these times I'm going to climb inside your car and poop on your steering wheel while you're driving so then you'll get into an accident because you don't want to touch your steering wheel, it's covered in human poop. And I'll be perfectly fine because I was thrown free from the crash and landed safely in a mound of my own shit that I had put there just for this occasion. Sure, I could have used pillows or something, but you should see how much I shit. Especially now because it's Girl Scout Cookies season and Thin Mints make me poop a lot. And really, really black. I mean that black like when black people are so black that they're almost purple. That kind of black.