The Tortoise and the Rye!

In news that is sure to set off the battle of the Century, a shop owner has found that an image of Satan has appeared on a turtle's shell. The aforementioned turtle is the only survivor of a pet shop fire. Where's Peewee Herman when you need him? Snakes!!

Now the table has been set. This turtle will face off in a pay-per-view steel-cage match against that grilled-cheese sandwich with the Virgin Mary on it for control of the Universe--or the remote control.

I don't quite understand why people think that these images of religious figures appear everywhere. I mean, when I was a kid, in the bathroom on the tile I could have sworn that there was an image of a scary fat man looking up at me while I squeezed out Spelling Bee-tension-induced diarrhea, but, even at 11 years old, I wasn't dumb enough to actually believe that the spirit of a fat man was in my bathroom.

Even now, if I squint my eyes just a little bit, there's a stain on one of my pants that looks exactly like the ghost of John Matuszak (Sloth in Goonies), but you rarely hear me yelling "Baby Ruth" at my pants.

People's faith makes them believe a lot of silly things. Some people think a guy fit two of every animal on a boat, others think Redneck comedy is funny. Coincidentally, there is a lot of crossover between these two groups. As a matter of fact, if somebody made a Venn diagram of these two groups, it would just be one big-ass circle.

Interesting thought of the day:
It is almost never cool to let your girlfriend's mother know that when you get an erection you yell out, "By the power of Greyskull!"