Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Laotian's Eleven (minus five)!

I couldn't really come up with a good title for this, so it's a stretch, bitch, get over it.

Some of you may have heard how some crazy Asian guy (he was from Laos, hence the title) who really loves deer, or just hates Brett Favre, shot and killed six people that were trying to get their animal murder on in Wisconsin. Now he's trying to claim that he was shot at first, oh, and also that he's a 13-year-old black girl from Harlem.

Anyway, I bring this oh-so-hilarious story up because on the radio on the way home there were some guys talking about the shooting. One of the guys on the radio station referred to the shooter as "a jerk." Oh, really? You don't want to get a fine from the FCC there, buddy, you sure you don't want to retract that? Would you go so far as to call him "a knucklehead" or "a real humdinger?" I haven't heard something that understated since George W. Bush, on a speech regarding September Eleventh, said, "Oh, we will find Bin Laden, we're slightly miffed. A little P-O'd."

As everybody who reads this weblog knows, I have a passion for two things in life: grilled-cheese sandwiches and the Virgin Mary. It has been brought to my attention that, finally, these two have come together. Some online casino actually bought a 10-year-old, partly-eaten grilled-cheese sandwich that supposedly has a picture of the Virgin Mary on it, for $28,000. What the fuck? I can buy a 10-year-old, partly-eaten Vietnamese child who will do anything I want on the Black Market for $500. I guarantee you I'd get a lot more use out of Baby Charlie than anybody would get out of that goddamn sandwich. And, you can't fuck a grilled-cheese sandwich...more than once. You especially can't fuck one that supposedly has the Virgin Mary on it. Catholics would get all up in arms saying things like, "He's fucking the Virgin Mary." Then I'd say something classy like, "She ain't a virgin no more." Because that's what I am, class. I'm like Oprah but male, white and sexually attracted to hoagies. Potato, potato. Man, that expression doesn't work in type at all. It just looks like I'm saying potato twice, which I am, but I'm pronouncing them slightly differently. You get it? Don't patronize me. Say so if you don't. Fine. It's like that song, "You say potato, I say potato. You say tomato, I say tomato." That one. You've never heard it? Well, turn off your shitty Limp Bizkit and listen to something else for once.

Favorite new joke of the week:
What's blue and has sex with lots of children?


Me in my lucky blue suit.

1 comment:

whore said...

kurtoon's dick is falling down falling down falling down
kurtoon's dick is falling down
my fair kurtoon
a song especially for you.
i worked hard on it.
sing it to the rhythm of eminem's ass like that
no im kidding
sing it to london bridge is falling down by stupid londonians who have nothing better to do than make up stupid songs about bridges falling down.
hey i just realised you're in america. do you even know this song? hmm
that is very.. mind boggling..
say hi to your neighbour for me..