Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Duck, Duck, Goose!

I wrote about The Swan when it first came on, but I feel that it is necessary to revisit this awesome show. The show is fantastic because it really makes women feel like they look absolutely shitty all the time. There's nothing better for somebody's self-esteem than to watch somebody else who is average get madeover to look like a glamorous monster. When they show the people at the end of the show and they're all made up, it kind of looks like when an old lady with Alzheimer's gets into the makeup drawer when the orderly that's supposed to be watching her was masturbating in the broom closet humming The Golden Girls theme song.

I was watching this television spectacular tonight when the main plastic surgeon (a guy who looks like he actually sleeps with the sun) said something that made me write it down so I could relay it later on. This is where the real asskicking to the self-esteem comes in. He said, "[We're going to] excavate her beauty and bring it to the surface." Holy shit. There's nothing that makes a woman feel better than when somebody refers to her face like it's Carlsbad Caverns. He may as well have said, "Well, right now she's fugly. What I'm going to do is chip away at this flabby canvas and try to form something that looks less like the back of my ass and more like an Olsen twin with a vaccuum in her snatch."

I still have that story about my Grandparents to tell, it's really nothing, so stop getting excited. I'm serious, that'll get all over your keyboard. Gross.

Bad joke of the day:
What do you call an Italian hooker?

A pasta-tute.

Hell yeah.

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