Sunday, November 28, 2004

The "Too Much Pumpkin Pie" Shits!

That's what I'm sporting right now. I've eaten, over the past two days or so, four-sixths of a pumpkin pie. By myself. Now, I could have reduced that fraction to two-thirds, but then you'd probably think, Damn, man, you eat some big-ass slices. No, I don't. You do, bitch! I've had four slices, each of which was one-sixth of the pie (roughly, I didn't have my T-square, level, and protractor to make sure I was exact). Pumpkin pie is absolutely delicious. I especially like the part in the middle where the candle is.

Coming up is my last regular week of school, then finals week next week and I'm done. Hooray for looking for a job in the entertainment industry. At least it's really easy to get a job there. I mean, I'm sure as soon as I start to look I'll find one. Glad I picked a field that nobody else ever tries to get into--not one of those crowded job fields like Professional Baton Twirler or Pee-Wearer.

I think I'm going to start wearing a full suit of armor wherever I go. I don't have a "thing" that people recognize me by. For instance, there's this albino black guy at my school and if you ask somebody, "Do you know the black albino guy," they'll always say that they do. Or, "What about that girl with the hunchback that she always puts a Santa hat on?" Check. I want to be "That guy who always wears a full suit of armor to class and also, in something completely unrelated, has a huge package." I'm halfway there, I've already got the testicular cancer.

I almost saw National Treasure this week, but I couldn't bring myself to it. My friend and I had nothing to do, so we decided we were going to kill time and go to see a movie. He suggested National Treasure and, at first I said no because it looked absolutely shitty, but then, out of boredom I said that we should go. But, by the time it came around to committing to it, I had to back out of it because I couldn't go see a movie that works on the premise that there's a goddamn treasure map on the back of the Constitution that can only be seen when you look at it with Nightvision goggles or some shit. I just couldn't. That same friend went and saw the movie a few days later and said that he walked out. It was only the second movie he'd ever walked out of in his life, the first being Clifford.

My Jay Leno audition joke of the night:
You hear about this? According to recent tests, George W. Bush is officially overweight. The staff chocks it up to a faulty scale, but wow, even the White House scales are weighted in the President's favor. (Kevin Eubanks plays a shitty guitar riff and the audience commits mass suicide.) Makes you think.

I hope I actually do get hired to write for the Tonight Show. Though I mock it, I'd take that job in a heartbeat (I hope it's not Dick Cheney's heart beating, it could be his last. HAHAHA. God dammit! I'm a shoe-in for that job!).

1 comment:

whore said...

where is your grandparents story??? whatla you...