Sunday, November 14, 2004

Jesus dies again!

In preparation for the Christmas Season, Jesus has died again. Big Baby Jesus, also known as Old Dirty Bastard or "Isn't he that rapping homeless guy from the Mariah Carey video?" died in a rare fencing accident on Saturday. He was just doing what he normally does on the weekends, fencing at his country club, when the tip of one of the rapiers hit his heart on a T-wave killing him almost instantly.

The President of Fox Hills Country Club, 97-year-old James McGreevy, had this to say regarding ODB's death, "Old Dirty was a regular member around the clubhouse. He will be sorely missed at our ice-cream socials, golf tournaments, and cricket games."

After some investigative reporting, and Mr. McGreevy trying to gum his way through my left arm while yelling, "Meatloaf for dinner! Hooray!" I realized that the story he was telling me was somewhat factually inaccurate. So, I shot him in the head and went to google news and read the actual story.

It turns out that ODB collapsed in the recording studio (a place where a lot of rappers go to die--kind of like that farm your parents took your cancer-infested dog to when you were little). I'm not going to presume that perhaps drugs were involved, as ODB--as you can see--is a vision of perfect health. But, in some circles, there are rumors that maybe he died of drinking too many Zimas. I did the math and, in order for alcohol poisoning from Zimas to kill somebody of ODB's stature, he would have to drink 5 a minute for six years straight. It's amazing that nobody caught him drinking, but that's how alcoholics do it--alone and in the dark.


I have my own theory that it was actually a suicide because ODB was grief-stricken over recent events. It's no secret that ODB was a huge Polar Express fan. In fact, he ran the largest Polar Express fan website on the internet. When the news hit him that The Incredibles was going to beat it at the box office this weekend, ODB felt he couldn't go on. Friends and family said things like, "Don't worry, Big Baby Jesus, It will still make its money back with the overseas market." But he just wouldn't listen to them. He was already in a huge depression after seeing that his favorite actress, Lindsay Lohan, "went all slutty once she got her boobs," this just sent him over the edge.

Rest in peace, Big Baby Jesus. In your honor, I would like to propose a new Holy Trinity. No longer will it be the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Henceforth it will be The Brotha, the Sixteen Kids, and the Holy Shit, isn't he that rapping homeless guy from the Mariah Carey video?

Interesting thought of the day:
I didn't get to use the word "monicker" in this entry and I'm too lazy to go back and change it. But it's a damn good word. It's like "conduit."

2 comments:

Carl Click said...

wow.

i have been reading this blog for a while now, and just found out that you (Kurt) play DAoC on Galahad. It really is a small world after all.... i must have gotten the link for this site from VN or something {ponder}

Jimbo the Angry Clown said...

Toon,
FYI.....

polarexpressmovie.warnerbros.com

www.polarbearexpress.ca

Whatever.