"Just Rub Some Twizzlers On It!"

In the most random study ever, it was discovered that an ingredient in licorice can help combat herpes.

This is fantastic news for licorice maker Red Vines whose new line of condoms, "Red Vines (get it?)," is set to hit store shelves next month.

The study has also found that Nerds funneled into the urethra helps clear up urinary tract infections, Whoppers cure prostate cancer, and a yard of Fruit by the Foot a day makes AIDS go away. When reached for comment, Willy Wonka simply said:

There's no earthly way of knowing
Which direction we are going
There's no knowing where we're rowing
Or which way the river's flowing
Is it raining? Is it snowing? Is a hurricane a'blowing?
Not a speck of light is showing
So the danger must be growing
Are the fires of hell a'glowing?
Is the grisly reaper mowing?
Yes!
The danger must be growing
For the rowers keep on rowing
And they're certainly not showing
Any signs that they are slowing!

Then children around the world were scarred for life. Coincidentally, an Everlasting Gobstopper can cure that as well as Scabies.

Interesting thought of the day:
The other day I saw a black kid on a skateboard carrying a funnel cake. That was the best day of my life.