Thursday, April 06, 2006

Katie Holmes and the Case of the Librarian's Vagina!

I'm imagining that Scientology is going to be putting out a new set of young detective books in the vein of Encyclopedia Brown, and this is what the first one would be titled.

That's the only explanation I can come up with since, I'm sure you've heard by now, but "bitches ain't allowed to make a peep whilst shitting kids out their hairy hatchet wound, yo!" (Dianetics: Chapter 18)

Tom Cruise has had bride-to-be Katie Holmes fitted with an "adult pacifier" that she can bite down on so she doesn't scream out and frighten the baby. I'd suggest drugging and knocking her out alltogether, but that would be too similar to how she got in this situation in the first place. ZING! FUCK THOSE GUYS! I GOT 'EM! I DID IT!

I did a little searching on the internet and was able to uncover a few more facts about this very secretive religion that you may not be aware of (you can't end a sentence in a preposition in Scientology either; it's a crime punishable by being strapped inside a volcano and blown up by aliens). Along with not being allowed to yell, scream, or otherwise make noise that may traumatize the baby, these other precepts must be followed:

  • No touching the ground while walking.
  • If you blink, ever, you have to drink a boiling pot of ghost alien soul soup (no crackers).
  • You must own a sailboat and christen it the Battlefield Girth
  • If you ever have a song stuck in your head, it has to be La Bamba, but translated into English (the official language of Scientology and the Winter Olympic Games)
  • When losing an argument about anything that "they" consider to be "fact," just call them "glib" a lot. Dinosaurs weren't actually robots controlled by ponies with a twelfth-level intellect, Matt? You're just being glib.
  • Taco Tuesdays! (I don't even know what this means)
  • All underwear worn must be made of terry cloth and have Alf embroidered on the backside. Is that an alien in your pants, or are you just...oh, it is an alien.
  • No breathing while inhaling.
  • No laughing during humorous occasions.
  • No goddamn picnics.

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