Like a billion flaming shot glasses filled with doll hair!

I was reading an article today about this new glue that was discovered (I lead an exciting life--this is right after I knocked a one-eyed, thieving multimillionaire off of a beam 400 feet in the air where we had just sword fought) that is the strongest adhesive known to man. The thing that was interesting to me about the article, though, was the way they described how strong it was.

It says, "The adhesive can withstand an enormous amount of stress, equal to the force felt by a quarter with more than three cars piled on top of it."

This is distressing news because I was under the assumption that all my loose change which is buried beneath 800 back issues of Black Tail magazine was the most secure way to guard my money. Now I learn that people are piling automobiles on top of a single quarter. And, to top it off, the only way I can afford that kind of tri-vehicular security is to spend all of the money that I'm trying to protect. Oh, irony, you filthy bastard.

After further reading, I have learned that cars piled on top of quarters isn't the only strange unit of measurement the scientific community uses.

When conducting a study measuring the amount of sweat exerted by a person exercising over the span of ten years, doctors at Harvard said that it's equal to "nine fish tanks filled with golden tiaras."

A scientist described the distance to the moon from the earth as "roughly equivalent to 245,000 average erect penises stacked end to end." The description alone got me so excited that I was ready to start the game of phallus Jenga.

Zero degrees Celsuis was first described by the inventor, Anders Celsius, in terms of how frigid things were in relation to the mammary gland of a spell-casting malcontent.

The famous Raisin Bran slogan of "Two Scoops" was not the original term of measurement used. Initially it was, "Like four sweaty slave hands full of raisins."

Nowadays we know a football field's length is 100 yards, but, before Superbowl III and the widespread use of the Polio vaccine, the field was marked off by a length of 200 dead babies.

A student at UC Berkeley doing an experiment measuring the amount of water in all the world's oceans by the year 2015 at the current rate of global warming described it thusly: "It's like, if you kicked a pregnant woman in the stomach until stuff started falling out of her vag, if you filled up 300 trillion kiddie pools with that stuff and cooked it on high for 45 minutes, that's about how full the ocean would be."