Tuesday, April 18, 2006

My Blue Heaven!

When I die in a fiery bus crash at the age of 45, I'll have led a wonderful life full of do gooding and straight and narrow walking so that I will be admitted into the Club 33 of the afterlife: The Christian Heaven.

This is how I imagine it will be.

As soon as I die I'm coated in glitter and angel wings (it's tar and feathering for the Chosen Ones) by one of the Saints. Then, everything comes into focus and I'm in a white void. A flock of pixies straps me onto a Tony Hawk skateboard (except it won't be a skateboard, it will be a hoverboard like in Back to the Future 2 because in Heaven, those really exist) and I fly into a hotel lobby. But this is no ordinary hotel; it's Hotel Heaven.

I arrive at the counter where I'm checked in by a talking zebra wearing a bellhop's hat (which is weird because Andre the Giant is my bellhop, the zebra only works the desk). Mr. The Giant leads me up to my room giving me a tour along the way. The fire juggler accidentally hits me with one of his flaming pins, but I don't get hurt because there are no burn victims in Heaven. A mermaid who lives in an aquarium filled with chocolate pudding in the middle of the lobby peeks her head out for a moment to say hello to me. Then, because it's Heaven, I make a request to have sex with the mermaid which is immediately granted nine times.

Once at the door for my room, Andre the Giant sets my bag inside the door. He informs me that it works like the bag in Mary Poppins and that I can pull a six foot tall lamp from it if I should so desire. I reach into my pocket and pull out my wallet to tip him and I realize that I don't have any money. I ask him what I should tip him with and he informs me that the currency in Heaven is hugs or coupons for backrubs. He tells me that he would prefer the latter. Reluctant to give Andre the Giant a backrub, I tell him I would rather hug him. He proceeds to beg for a coupon. I shout, "No backrubs, I mean it."

"Anybody want a peanut?" he replies. On sheer cleverness alone, I give in and give Andre the Giant a backrub which turns into my first gay sexual experience with a dead wrestler over seven feet tall (I take that back--I gave The Undertaker a handjob at a truckstop in Phoenix).

Luckily there is no pain in Heaven because the aftermath leaves me capable of shitting bowling balls. This isn't hyperbole. You can do whatever you want in Heaven and that's what I decide I want to do. Not only do I shit bowling balls, but I bowl a strike with them every time. I tie all of the former amputees bowling their hearts out at the alley. In fact, Heaven is kind of like the Special Olympics, everybody ties and there are tons of hugs. Except there aren't any retards. Those soulless bastards go straight to Hell.

No comments: