Friday, September 08, 2006

To: Katie Couric's Lazy Ass!

As you may know, Katie Couric has recently started to anchor the CBS Evening News. By the way, since she's a woman, I don't think she should receive the title of anchor. How about dinghy or arm floaties? She arm floaties the CBS Evening News.

Well with her first act as the new arm floaty, she has asked you, the audience (I seriously doubt I share any demographics with evening news) to come up with a way for her to sign off from the news.

You know how Walter Cronkite would say, "And that's the way it is"? Well, she wants something like that but less jowly.

With this in mind, I have decided to lend my brilliant writing mind to her cause.

  • May the reaper take you in your sleep.
  • Goodnight and bite my vagenis.
  • So, we done here? Good. I gots to get my freak on.
  • I give tonight's news two titties up.
  • Have you forgotten yet that you've seen the inside of my asshole on national television, America?
  • Do you really think I'm a whore now, Daddy?
  • Hugs, kisses and handjobs.
  • I hope you all don't get Hep C tonight.
  • So suck it, Matt Lauer!
  • Peace out, my niggas. (She stresses the "as" part of niggas very hard so they know she's using slang and not being racist--though, off camera, she is very racist. She owns ten slaves and has named them all "Al Roker" one through ten)
Those are just a few ideas. It's hard to think of overtly sexist or racist comments to use since I've just unleashed them on my black girlfriend whom I just beat the shit out of. (Not ending this sentence in a preposition is impossible: whom I just beat out of the shit? Granted, we normally race knee-deep in shit on Fridays to the Coldstone Creamery down the street, but not today.)


Dump Truck said...

Out of whom I just beat the shit. Sometimes, though, you have to break the rules.

Vagenis... I'm getting that tattooed on my other toe.

eob said...

Anothert sign-off suggestion "Help control the Cancer population, have your asshole spayed or neutered."