Sunday, September 10, 2006

I Love Robot News!

Google news, as some of you may know, is a site that aggregates all of the most popular news stories and sorts them in order of importance by how many stories there are about each topic. Well, since it's run by robots and no human is actually in charge of them, sometimes there are mistakes that work out for all of us.

This is one of those.
Granted, I did not click through to read the article, so this could be a perfectly legit pairing of image and story. But, more than likely, it's a mistake. Therefore, in order to help google save face, I'll write the corresponding story.

Bin Laden Trail 'Stone Cold'

Chicago, Illinois

It was a battle for the ages. Two teams, one ball, more than eight hours of basketball.

It began just like any other night. It was the homecoming basketball game for the students of Chicago 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin high as they battled the newly-minted Dekalb Osama Bin Laden. Their name is singular, like the Miami Heat or the Orlando Magic, but they represent a group.

One team, the 'Stone Cold,' dressed in jean shorts and jerseys with skulls on them, who dribbled with only their middle fingers while appearing heavily intoxicated looked to be the underdogs going into the contest. However, nobody knew just how far the Bin Laden--who recently changed their team mascot from the Kadaffi in order to keep up with changing times--would take their new image.

Well, folks, this reporter has an answer. Too far.

Dressed from head to toe in robes, turbans and as much beard as a team filled with 16-year-olds could possibly manage to grow, the Bin Laden hit the floor at 5:30 pm for the contest. The assault rifles and bandoliers each boy chose to wear, however, would prove to be too cumbersome.

The opening tip was about as unorthodox as things get. As soon as the ball was thrown into the air, the center and power forward of the 'Stone Cold' kicked the center of the Bin Laden in the stomach and just before they could pull him to the ground for their devastating finishing move, two paper airplanes loaded with dynamite sailed in from the stands and exploded on the two 'Stone Cold' player's faces.

The referee, however, did not call a foul as this has never happened in sports, so play continued three on five until the first timeout.

That's when things really got confusing.

After the first four minutes leading up to that timeout, the 'Stone Cold,' still reeling from the paper airplane incident with their center and power forward, the two seven foot tall boys affectionately known to fellow students as "The Twin Towers," refused to play against the Bin Laden any longer.

Instead, the 'Stone Cold,' in an unprecented move, feeling that their 9-8 score was good enough, ran out of their gym and into a local elementary school gym where they found one mustachioed, beret-wearing boy bullying other students, holding the basketball away from them, acting like he would give it to them, then saying, "Psyche," and so on. Real Bush League stuff, man. Completely bogus.

Now this was a job the coach of the 'Stone Cold' felt like they could handle. The team hit the floor and dominated the bully. It was only a matter of time until these students would be playing basketball by themselves in peace. Or so they thought.

Keep in mind, back at the 'Stone Cold' gym, the game hadn't been called because, as the 'Stone Cold' left the gym, the Bin Laden disappeared as well. Some people think they went under the bleachers, while others felt they could be in the locker room or hiding beneath the snack bar counter by the Jujubes. A ref and a few fans were still there just sort of milling around wondering if the 'Stone Cold' were going to come back to finish the game or what.

Now, with the bully removed, the 'Stone Cold' felt it would be easy to leave and let the rest of the students continue their game. As they went to leave, however, the newly freed students shouted back in anger and started to throw rocks (which is weird that they were able to get their hands on some since this was inside a gym, but whatever) at the 'Stone Cold' and their coach. See, what the 'Stone Cold' didn't realize was that, when the bully left, he took the only basketball they had. Without a basketball, they didn't know what to do.

At the deadline of this writing, the 'Stone Cold' are still trying to teach the previously-bullied students how to play basketball since, as they came to learn, they had never actually even played basketball before; they'd always just sort of complained about the guy who had it.

That leads us to the title of this article, "Bin Laden Trail 'Stone Cold.'" See, technically, they do. They're down 9-8, but, the longer it takes for the game to start in that gym again, the more it's this reporter's opinion that they'll never get back to the game they were there for in the first place.

1 comment:

Phil said...

Strangely insightful, Kurt. I came here expecting you to write something that would make my spleen hurt with laughter (and that paper airplane joke was hysterical) and got something I really hadn't counted on.

Kind of like those people who think that the glob of green stuff on their plate at the Japanese restaraunt is guacamole and they take a big scoop of it only to find out that it's actually a really hot paste.