Show or No Show?

Good news, everybody! The success of the "gameshow" Deal or No Deal has influenced other networks to try their hand at offering other, equally no-skill-involving shows.

Don't get me wrong, I love the shit out of Jeopardy and, to a lesser extent, Who Wants to be a Millionaire?, but Deal or No Deal is not a gameshow--it's hardly a television show.

For the uninitiated, Howie Mandel picks a person to choose one of 26 briefcases and then they win some money. Yeah, that's it. They point out other briefcases that aren't theirs to Mr. Mandel and are then offered some money because they're on television. That's not a show. There's nothing involved in that. There is no trivia or endurance challenges. Nobody has to stab their best friend with a pen knife. Nothing.

And, I'm pretty sure it's just to piss me off some more, they ask the family members and pet turtles and shit, what number they should choose to eliminate next.

"Oh, come ON, Shmitty! You gotta pick 18. That shit's holding one cent. I fucking know it!" No you don't.

The only redeeming part of the show is this: The man's young daughter says, "Daddy, I think you should get rid of number twelve." And then he picks it and it's a million dollars that he won't be winning. I live for that stuff. Because, just like in two years when her parents get divorced, they're going to tell her it's not her fault, but it so fucking is.

I was watching the show one time (yeah, I know, kind of hypocritical, but, like I said, it's because I thrive on the misery of others--I'm like a tragedy vampire) and some woman was picking all briefcases containing high amounts (which is a bad thing to do on this show). But, keep in mind, it's all completely random. Then, Howie Mandel says the most infuriating thing I've ever heard him say (and I've heard him do stand-up), he says, "Slow down. Maybe you're picking too fast." Picking too fast? Maybe you were pressing the slot machine button too quickly--that's why you weren't winning. You know what? Fuck you, Howie Mandel. I hope some homeless guy sneezes all over your hands.

Now, I have some connections, so I've been able to get a hold of the names of the gameshows that these other networks are offering. I don't think they're going to be any more mentally-challenging than Deal or No Deal.

ABC is throwing its hat into the ring with the John McEnroe hosted Do You Win? Yes or No.

CBS has two shows slated to air back to back on Tuesday nights. The first is hosted by Tom Bergeron and is simply called Congratulations, Dennis Tisdale of Des Moines, Iowa. The second is hosted by a cartoon bear and it's called Take This Money or You'll Be Eaten by Lions.

Fox, the network heavily grounded in reality television, has taken a slightly different spin on things. They're going to put ten people in a bunker and, each day, for ten days, pick one person to give a million dollars to--each person can only win once. That's one is called You're Alive, Here's Some Money! and it's hosted by a bag of Doritos.