Saturday, September 17, 2005

World's Filthiest Baby Born!

On September 14th, for the first time, a baby was born drinking a 40 in a paper bag. Britney Spears and her husband had a boy, Preston Michael Spears (Federline). PMS, that's good planning; I'd expect no less from these two.

How it all happened
The baby was conceived on the hood of a Trans-Am while both were smoking cigarettes and Britney screamed out, "Oh my God, y'all! I think you put a baby in me!" Kevin immediately high-fived his friend who was sitting behind the steering wheel.

The next nine months saw nothing but the best diet for Mrs. Spears and her baby. She learned about four months in that smoking while pregnant was bad, so, to make sure her child would be healthy, she, instead, ate a pack of cigarettes a day. Britney, wanting to make sure that her child started eating baby food early, would stand on her head every morning and have husband, Kevin, empty out an entire jar of strained carrots into her vagina.

The birth was a sight for doctors. First, they were surprised to find the baby's arm already hanging out. "I thought it was kind of weird," Britney said, "but I just sort of figured that it was like when a baby bird is ready to be born and it starts pecking its way out." When asked about another anomaly, Britney replied, "Oh, the tattoo on it was Kevin's idea. Isn't it cute, y'all? It says 'Brit + Kev 4Eva.'"

After only a couple minutes of contractions, all of the womb juice came spilling out. This was the first time it was scientifically documented that someone's embryonic fluid consisted of 95% chewing tobacco spit (the other 5% was strained carrots).

The baby released an official statement minutes later on his official website claiming to be a virgin and to confirm rumors that, yes, he was dating Christina Aguilera.

Interesting thought of the day:
Never eat at an Italian restaurant called Fellatio. The food is good, but the way they make you pay is weird.


eob said...

I've had similar problems ordering my favorite sandwich at McDonald's ... Fellate-a-fish.

Anonymous said...

Funniest article ever... usually I would say this in sarcastic way, so I've been trying to think of a way to explain that I'm serious... but I can't think of one so you're just gonna have to trust me here.

The 95% chew spit just killed me... seriously, my spleen hurts.


Anonymous said...

Only one line in this entry was not laugh out funny. Brilliant!

Ryan Castillo said...

Funniest thing I've read in a long time!! Everyone at my office was giving me weird looks because I couldn't stop snickering at "Oh my God, y'all! I think you put a baby in me!" Excellent work, my friend.