Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Beer In Big-Ass Cups

I don't drink. I've never had a drink of alcohol in my life, but if I did, I sure know what I would use to drink my beer. I wouldn't drink out of those sissy glasses. No! I would drink from a chalice. If you don't know what a chalice is, it's one of these.

Can you imagine walking around a bar, with your shirt off, hairy chest exposed, wearing nothing but a loincloth and a smile drinking beer from that thing? There is no chick in the bar that wouldn't be wanting to get to know you "biblically." She'd be all rubbing on your chest as you imbibe from your golden chalice as she says, "What's bigger? That big thing you're holding, or that chalice?" See? She'd use the ole switcheroo on you. That means that you're definitely getting some. Why will you be getting this massive amount of woman vagina (as opposed to man vagina --mangina)? Because of your chalice.

I wrote that last paragraph in the second person because it makes you feel more like you're a part of what's going on in this weblog. I hope to, one day, use this weblog as not only a source for entertainment, but as a self-help source as well. "You won't let the guy at the dry cleaners yell at you anymore." "You can stop eating cigarette butts you find on the street." I'm like the internet Dr. Phil, but without all of the skin on my head that's not covered in hair.

I'd probably make my chalice all personalized like people do with their pool cues, fishing rods, or semen paintings of John Travolta. I'd get my name engraved and probably encrust jewels and various etchings on the side of it. It'd be like a class ring, but way more boss and capable of drawing in a hundred times more of the delicious beef curtain soup.

On a different note, I think that the guy who created Family Circus has gotten a little weird lately.

Comment below or I will hold up my promise to start eating some more puppies. You all did a good job with the last one, but soon my thirst will arise again. Or, if you like, and you want to get my information so you can hire me to write for you, you can email me.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I love you?