Disneyland and Prison Rape!

Since I've been doing nothing but sitting in my room letting my facial hair grow until it starts to itch my chest while I wait to hear back from the 23 agencies to whom I sent my letters of inquiry, I'm going to write about random stuff. 'To whom' always feels too formal, but I can't end the sentence in a preposition, so I have to do that. If you don't like it, you'll be to whom I send my bag of punches in the face.

A post on a message board I read was asking about bad birthdays that people have had, so I wanted to relate a bad one of my own. When I was turning eleven years old, as was tradition, I went to Disneyland with my family. It was an extra special birthday because my knee was hurting a lot leading up to that day because I'm a huge wuss and I hurt it playing basketball, yet, as soon as I stepped foot in the park, the pain in my knee magically went away. This was going to be a great day, I told myself. Skipping merrily through Main Street, we headed immediately toward Fantasyland because I was eleven years old and I think the first ride I wanted to go on was something like Peter Pan or Pinocchio. On the way there, we passed by the Sword in the Stone. I remember, in years past, how cool I thought the whole ceremony was and how I wished that one day I could be a part of it. As luck would have it, the ceremony was just about to begin, so, my younger brother, mom, dad, and I gathered around in the front row as the ritual began. They called up the first person, a man, probably thirty or so, pretty strong looking. He tugged and tugged and could not remove that sword. They called another man up, who looked a lot like the first guy, who tried as hard as he could, but, once again, no luck. Then, it happened. The man in the wizard getup pointed in my direction. Butterflies filled my stomach and a little pee shot out. He walked toward me with his hand out to pull me up to the sword. This was it, I thought. I'm going to pull the sword out of the stone on my birthday. I love my family. Can life get any greater at this moment? I don't think so. As I'm about to put my hand out to grab the wizard's hand so I can be escorted to be King for a Day at Disneyland, I realize that he's pointing at my younger brother. So, he goes up to the sword, pulls it from its place deep within the heart of the Fiberglas rock, and holds it into the sky. Trumpets and music played and the crowd erupted in applause. The wizard draped a kingly cloak and crown upon his head and he had his picture taken to be picked up at Main Street on the way out that day. All of a sudden, my knee started to hurt.

Fuck that birthday. Fuck it in its filthy Happiest-Place-on-Earth face.

On a different note, I got a collect call from a prison yesterday. Too bad I couldn't understand what name he gave when he called. I think I was still hung up on the preface of "You have received a collect call from some correctional facility." If you've never had a collect call from a prison, it's really an experience you should go through. There are a lot of options that you can do like block the prison from ever calling you again. I was tempted to do that, because it was obviously a wrong number, but then I figured if he can misdial once, he can misdial again and I don't want to deny either of us. I will learn his name. I almost felt bad just hanging up the phone, but I didn't have the option to learn more about the prison inmate whose phone bill I might be footing. If there was an option like "To learn more about what crimes this person has been convicted of, press 4 now." I would have been all over that like the lonely, depressed bridesmaid on the wedding cake. Alas, I could not further the relationship between myself and my unknown probable-murderer because there was no option 4.

If you're a reader of mine, "Ray Ray," call me again. I promise I'll accept the charges.

Astoundingly Genius Moment of the Day:
When I waited tables, a deaf couple came to the hostess stand to be sat. The hostess, noticing the couple is deaf, promptly grabbed two braille menus and showed the couple to their seat.

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