Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Fuck the troops!

All too often, you hear people on TV or, if you know and interact with people in your normal, daily life, they say things about the war in Iraq and how they are either for or against it. Well, whether Republican or Democrat or some other form of political affiliation (Wigs anyone?), they always have one thing in common. The Republican/Conservative will say something like, "It is our duty to be in Iraq. I support the war and I support our troops." The Democrat/Liberal says something like, "I am completely against the war, but I support our troops." I, for one, can't stand the bipartisanship concerning this aspect of the war and intend to do something about it. That is why I have decided that I do not support the troops. Oh, I said it. I fully support the war, but the troops don't have my intangible, unmeaning support. I would prefer for the war to be fought by robots like in that kick-ass Will Smith movie (The Legend of Baggar Vance). They're all just over there for a vacation if you really think about it. You know, it's all warm and tropical-like. Then, when they come back, people applaud them and thank them for what they've done? I want somebody to applaud me and then send me to college for free after going on vacation for a few years. "Hey, guys, I'm going to go to Florida when I turn eighteen. I'll be over there drinking, partying, and having lots of sex with many vaginas (or, for the females in the armed forces--many vaginas), and when I come back I'll be twenty-one, in the best shape of my life, tan as all hell, and you'll constantly praise me for how great I was. Doesn't anybody else see something wrong with this? I mean, all too often the troops are seen as "heroes" or as having "done something for their country" when all they've really done is get to blow a bunch of stuff up.

I'm going to make up some bumper stickers that say, "I support the war--but fuck the troops." So, if you want to buy some, check back here; I'll have that set up soon.

Being in the Armed Forces is easy, but being a college student who actually has to pay for his own schooling so I can sit there in an air-conditioned building thousands of miles away from ever being shot at, now that's difficult. I'd like to see them try.

Oh yeah! They also get all sorts of awesome free entertainment. Conan O'Brien went over there and entertained the troops. I heard somebody reanimated Bob Hope's body and had him put on a show for them (dead puppets? fucking awesome!). Who puts on a show for me? I mean, sometimes, when I masturbate I pretend that my hand is a tornado and my wiener is Helen Hunt so it's like the mini stage version of Twister, but that's as far as it gets really. One of my balls is Bill Paxton, one of my balls is Cary Elwes, and one of my balls is the cow. That's right. Three balls. Jealous?

I respond to reader comments:
This is a new section of the blog that will hopefully be used more often because it makes writing this thing a whole lot easier.

This one comes from Jimbo the Angry Clown:
Hi Toon! I saw this pictuire and knew that you would enjoy it much more than anyone else I know.

Now, first of all, we see that he calls the item he linked to a "pictuire." Some of you may think that this is a misspelling, but I happen to know Jim in real life and know that he is, in fact, severely retarded. It's pretty messed up of you to point out his misspellings. It's okay, Jim, you still get two Fruit Roll-Ups for lunch.

Secondly, as you can tell, the picture has been filed at that website under the humor folder so it's meant as a joke. However, I happen to know that it is 100% true that every time a person masturbates God kills a kitten. I'll even quote the bible:

He who doth covet thyself will have the blood of a feline on his hands. And, remember, this is me, God saying this, so I don't mean that in some sick way as a sexual lubricant. I mean that I will fucking kill a kitten. I won't just snap my fingers and kill it, either, even though I could. No. I will put on my kitten-smashing boots and jump into a laundry basket filled with kittens. Also, I weigh a good 200 tons, so that's some fucking dead kitten. So don't touch yourself; I fucking mean it.
--Shaquille 1:87
It's weird how he starts off all authorial and old-schooly, but then he drops some F-bombs. At least he knows how to properly use a semicolon.

Thanks for the contributions. I'll be using you all in the future to make my life easier.

Comment below and be made fun of until you cry yourself to sleep like the crybaby you are or email me.


Flesh said...

Religion is a scam!


Jimbo the Angry Clown said...


Fruit Roll-Ups!!!!