Thursday, July 15, 2004

Upgrades to This Shit!

I came here to type to my increasingly large audience about something inconsequential and then I realized that they gave me more tools to play with on this thing. So, I'm happy as a pedophile who gets a job as a Middle School P.E. teacher.

I think I eat hot dogs too much. I mean, it's the only thing that I use ketchup on in my house and I've gone through a bottle of ketchup in about two months; this is by myself. It's kind of disgusting to think about the fact that I've consumed enough ketchup in two months to fill two soda cans. I actually walked out into the kitchen just now to check the amount of ounces on that so I could get it right. You all wouldn't know if I'm lying about it, but I'd know and I can't have that. It's even more disgusting, though, to think about how those two soda cans of ketchup pale in comparison to the amount of processed animal leftovers that I've taken in. I love using odd units of measurement for comparison, so I'm going to venture a guess that I've eaten, in the past two months, two average, healthy, newborn babies worth of hot dog meat. That's about fifteen pounds of beef or pork or llama (that's the english word for "almost like a camel", not the spanish translation for "s/he calls"). This, I feel, is a lowball estimate. If I had never pooped in the past two months, that's another fifteen pounds I could have gained. Also, I could have formed two meat-carved babies that I could have left in baby carriages in Central Park on a hot day in summer. Man, I think I'm done eating hot dogs* and I'm moving on to meat art.

So, Kobe Bryant is going to stay with the Lakers. This is good news to all the girls who work at hotels of cities in the Western Conference who would love to get raped. This gives you twice as many opportunites as those who work in Eastern Conference cities. So, you can write to Jerry Buss, the owner of the Lakers, and thank him for resigning (signing again, not quitting) Kobe and giving you the opportunity to have giant black wiener forcefully placed inside of your body and thrashed around like a crocodile with a meat-formed baby in its mouth. So that was a stretch, but that's no stretch compared to how stretched out your lady parts will be once Kobe's done taking your rapeginity. That's what he's coined it now so it doesn't sound as awful as regular ole rape.

Grammar and Punctuation Usage Technique of the day:
I realized I use contractions a lot, but, quite frankly, I don't think I use them enough. Therefore, I will use them at innoportune times as right now I'm. There's nothing like seeing 'I'm' at the end of a sentence. You're probably thinking, This guy sure is bright he's.

I received comments two entries in a row, and, if I receive three or more from three different people, I will send out coupons for free naked backrubs to each of those who comment. Or, you can email me.
*as soon as the package I have is gone

1 comment:

theFrog said...

I'll take a naked backrub...

but does it have to be from you? Or can I choose who I get it from?