Hey, Ass!

For the second day in a row, I'm going to write about things that the Japanese are doing because they're exciting, very far away, and talk in pictures.

This article details how the Japanese have widened the base of names that children in Japan can be called. Now, this is why I love how progressive America is because for years I've called small children "prostitutes" and "buttocks" not knowing that somewhere in the world there was a place where people weren't allowed to call children such things. How else would I order my six-year-old callboys? God bless the USA.

As a result, the justice ministry proposed an additional 578 characters for names, but included dozens that most parents might view as poor taste, such as "Piles" and "Vagina".

I can understand the disapproval of the name Vagina. Not only does it denote the woman's area of baby dumpage, but the Japanese symbol for Vagina is something like this: {|}. But Piles? I guess that could mean like Piles of Shit, but it's plural. Who would name their kid a plural noun? "Bandaids, stop pinching your sister, Lamps."

But this week, the ministry said public pressure had forced it to withdraw nine of the most controversial characters, including "Rape", "Excrement" and "Cancer".

Who would name their kid Cancer anyway? There are some names that will automatically decide that person's fate for the rest of their life--this is one them. Like Jeeves, Bambi, or Jesus, Cancer would come with a certain expectation for that person's life to come. In fact, I think if I had a kid named Cancer, I'd be kind of happy if he died in, like, a gang fight, from AIDS, or from a heart attack just to prove people wrong. In the last sentence, when I juxtaposed "gang fight" and "from AIDS" I don't mean that he'd die in the middle of a gang fight as a result of his AIDS, I meant those as two separate situations. That would be a weird gang fight. Gunshots ringing. Screams. And one lone man, my son, Cancer, yells out, "Ouch! My T-Cells are too low" and collapses to the floor--dead.

I've written a small diddy sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music, about Japan's recent decision to ban these names.

Cancer and Ra-ape
Excrement too
One means forcing sex
One's fatal, one's poo.

Nobody invites my son
Piles to play games.
I wonder why Vagina
hates her name(s).

Okay, so I'm not good at that, but I started to sing it out of nowhere so I had to write it to get it out of my head.

I respond to reader comments:

Anonymous writes:

Rather than threaten to kill puppies if no comments are posted, have you considered killing horses instead?

That way you either get comments or the raw materials for icecream! Its a win-win situation.

Well, Alcoholics, if I can call you by your first name, while this is a good idea if you're made out of money (or horses), puppies are so much cheaper in comparison to horses that I've been using them instead. Besides, as a tribute to the Japanese, I'm going to make my own puppy ice-cream called "Cold Nose Surprise." It'll be released around Christmas through Ben & Jerry's.

That's all for today, kids. I received a lot of comments last entry, so thanks. But now, it's like Fight Club up in this bitch and you all need to bring some friends to this website. You can't tell them why, but you do get to punch them right in their stupid face after you tell them to come here. I do this because they'll remember the website if they get punched in the face right when you tell them about it.

"The Toon dot Blogspot dot Com!" Wham! Right in their smelly head.

They'll relay the story to their friends about how their best friend just yelled, "The Toon dot Blogspot dot Com," punched them in the face, and ran out of the room screaming about how there are no retarded ghosts.

So comment me your stories about how you told/will tell people about this site (Mo, thanks for the link on your site--I checked it out. A lot better layout than I've got here). Or email me.