Sunday, July 18, 2004

Old Women and Gaping Crevices

I don't know if you've seen this commercial, but you have to look out for it because it's by far the greatest commercial that's on the air right now. It's a lot like the old days of the "I've fallen and I can't get up" lady, but better. The commercial I'm talking about is for a wheelchair/chair for really lazy people called the "Hoveround." It's basically like those things you see that they have at the grocery store, I can't remember what they're called, that are for old people to sit in and roll around in while they shop and smell weird. They advertise this thing as like the wheelchair for people who want to go where anybody can walk. It's good in theory, but they take it too far. The commercial ends with the announcer saying something like, "You can take it to the park (picture of somebody in the chair in the park), the grocery store (shot in grocery store), or even the Grand Canyon." Then there's a shot of two old women whose wheelchair's have obviously been turned off, looking around while they're literally about two feet from the edge of the cliff. Apparently the Grand Canyon is a huge tourist spot for people who can't walk anymore and this company sacrificed the lives of two old women (who, let's face it, probably died soon after the commercial was filmed) in order to perhaps get the elderly extreme sports fanatics who can't walk. That's a big sacrifice for such a niche market.

I saw I, Robot today. Possible Spoilers follow (but, honestly, I'm saving you the money). I didn't want to see this movie because it has Will Smith saying great lines like "You so need to die." Yes, he actually says that toward the end of the movie. Will Smith, in the year 2035, becomes Buffy the Vampire Slayer while killing a robot. I think that sentence I just wrote is the first and last time that combination of words will ever be used in the English language. There was also a shot at the end of the movie where, after the world has been saved from the evil robots (the ones whose chest was glowing red; for those who don't know, in Symbolism 101, red means bad), for no reason whatsoever, the goddamn Blue Angels fly overhead and break off into different directions. Then the movie ends. That's how it ends, I swear. The Blue Angels, who played no part in anything in the film at all, make a cameo appearance 31 years in the future to cap off a delightfully ridiculous film. They could have had a ghost come out and shit on a painting of Munch's "The Scream" and it would have been just as relevant to the movie. The only redeeming part of the film is Shia LaBeouf. Hopefully he goes on to movies that are actually good and not god awful like Charlie's Angels 2: Full Throttle, I, Robot, and The Battle of Shaker Heights. Anyway, one more downfall of the movie is that the director, Alex Proyas, who actually did a good job with Dark City and The Crow, apparently thinks the audience is full of complete idiots (he may be on to something here, though. Anybody who willingly goes to see a Will Smith movie expecting it to be Shakespeare has to have something wrong with him). The plot points and foreshadowing are hit harder than my future wife will be after I've got a six pack in me. He goes so far as to replay the key phrases over and over again. It's only an hour and forty minutes; I'm sure people will remember something that happened twenty minutes earlier in the film if it's only mentioned once. In closing, I give I, Robot six. I'm not sure what unit of measurement I'm using or out of how many units that six is, but, I think it's clear how I feel about the film, you can sculpt your own ratings system around that number. In fact, go ahead and comment it below. Or, if you disagree and you think I, Robot wasn't hideous, let me know.

Interesting thought of the day:
That famous woodchuck whose chucking ability has been pondered for centuries actually couldn't chuck wood at all. He had soft teeth and stuck to the much less dramatic and iambic pentameter breaking chucking of mashed potatoes.

Comment below like you've been so good at lately (not good enough for naked backrubs, though) or email me.


Anonymous said...

I WANT NAKED BACK RUBS. Come on people!!!!

Anonymous said...

I WANT NAKED BACK RUBS!!! Come on people....