America "Can't Wait for Next Disaster!"

"Did you see what Kanye West said on that benefit show? Now, not that I agree that George Bush hates black people, but to see him say that on national TV was so refreshing!"

America, relatively quiet since the tsunami that hit some Asian country a while ago (they can't really remember which one it was, but it was very sad), finds itself hoping for another catastrophe "like the hurricane in scope, but not the exact same thing--maybe an earthquake" so that it can, once again, see some real emotion on television.

"Regular TV shows lasted a while, but then reality TV came and those people were so...real. Well, now those all seem too rehearsed and contrived, so it's time for something like disaster coverage that's even more real. Realer." When informed that 'realer' isn't actually a word, America gave it to the rap community. Fo shizzle.

"Maybe I'm bad for it, but I just feel like, you know what, shove a camera in some grieving mother's face one more time please. Look at her crying. Boy I'm glad that's not me, but, you know what, when I see her cry, it makes me cry and I like that. It lets me know I'm not some robot or terrorist. Or worse yet, a robot terrorist."

"All this sadness kind of gives America a boner." At this point, America started to talk in the third person and I knew that things were only going to get more weird. Weirder. "America gave money at the office. America is starting to believe that George W. Bush just might really hate black people. America has started comfort eating again. America had a friend who knew somebody in New Orleans so it means more to America than other people because they're kind of affected by it all. America will drive a metal stake through a robot terrorist's heart if it has to."

"You're the red, white, and blue. Oh, the funny things you do. America. America. This is you."

When America started to sing the theme song to America's Funniest Home Videos and spank itself on the ass, it was obvious that my editor was right. America was in a mental institution for a reason, and it was best not to disturb her.

Additional reporting by Canada

Interesting thought of the day:
Nobody has ever referred to a Samoan girl as pretty and meant it.