Bush Promoting New Plan of Attack!

Many people have been upset at his administration and their lack of a presence in response to the Hurricane Katrina disaster, but the reason he has been AWOL was announced at a press conference on Saturday.

"The War on Moisture is the newest effort by my administration in the struggle against global extremism. And, I don't mean to toot my own horn, but, beep beep, America. I have been busy since Hurricane Katrina working around the clock, with no help, developing the strategy that we will be employing."

"Some said, 'It can't be done.' Others said, 'It shouldn't be done.' But, America, I say, 'It will be done.' We cannot sit idly by and just let the clouds steal our water from our own oceans and lakes and use it against us. That is why, from this day forward, any nation supporting water in any way, shape, or form, will be considered an enemy and a part of the Axis of Evil."

"It is with this in mind that I will withdraw all troops from Iraq immediately and turn them toward our new enemy: Michigan. After a little bit of research and speaking with some experts, I have strong evidence that Michigan has Water of Mass Destruction."
"Also, in an effort to help every American fight the War on Moisture, the U.S. Government will be sending each and every person in the country--even the black people--a packet of Silica Gel. For those of you who may not know what Silica Gel is, it's those little packets that come inside a new pair of shoes when you buy them. Those fight the moisture; bet you didn't know that. And, believe me, it says 'Do not eat' on there for a reason. The first time I saw it, I thought it was a fancy type of Jell-O. Wrong move, GW. Wrong move. Everything tasted like stamps for a week."

"I have created a new office much like I did after September Eleventh and the Department of Homeland Security. And, the new head of the Department of The Accu-Weather Forecast is Al Roker. Each morning, he will let America know the status of the possibility of a moisture attack through the use of a very simple and easy-to-read chart.""I designed it myself. The one near the top doesn't have a cloud because I was so excited about drawing the rain--since blue is my favorite color--that I started too close to the top and I couldn't fit the cloud in there."

"In closing, America, fear moisture no longer. You are in good hands. And, remember, people in Louisiana. I don't hate you because you're black, like some people are saying. I hate you because you're poor."

Shortly after Bush's press conference, a video was released on the Al-Jazeera website of Osama bin Laden's first Lieutenant, Ayman al-Zawahiri, in which he attributes credit for Hurricane Katrina to al Qaeda.