Friday, November 04, 2005

Box Office Kreskin!

This is going to be a regular feature every Friday or whenever new movies are coming out, so if you hate movies, reading, or photoshopped pictures of Ben Affleck engaged in various activities (a high probability), you should probably skip this.
By the way, that's my worst Photoshop job ever. I didn't even bother trying to add legs. You know how hard it is to find an actual photograph of a pegasus? It's roughly as difficult to find a picture of Renee Zellweger looking anything but horrifying.

Chicken Little
Remember when the word "Disney" wasn't synonymous with "I'd rather watch my grandmother jerk off a horse?" Well, if you're too young and only have masterpieces like Home On the Range (Bust a moo! Fucking kill me) in your memory, trust me on this one. Disney used to make some pretty good cartoons. This probably isn't one of those good ones. Instead of making sure they have a good script, they spend too much time trying to nail down the actors that the kids like. Don't get me wrong, I like Zach Braff fine, but just because he's doing a voice for it doesn't mean that it's going to be either good or entertaining. I mean, I love Charlize Theron, but if she took a shit, I still wouldn't eat it. No matter how German I was feeling. Besides, it's obvious that they spent all their money getting 81-year-old picture of hip Don Knotts.

The sky is falling? More like Disney's stock price is falling! Am I right, people? Come on.

So I don't know anything about this movie, but, suffice it to say, I think the Archie comic books have pretty good grounds for a lawsuit. If this movie is about a guy who wears a crown made of felt, rarely opens his eyes, hates girls and loves to eat, somebody's in trouble.

Also, somebody tell me if there's a point in the movie where he gets a special trinket that goes on his hat that makes him irresistible to the opposite sex because then they're blatantly stealing. That's just lazy, Sam Mendes.

This movie is about what would happen if Donnie Darko lived and decided to join the military after his brush with nearly being crushed to death by a plane engine. He fights in the Gulf War alongside a guy in a giant rabbit suit and the child molestation machine that is Patrick Swayze.

They call him Jarhead because, at one point, he tries to fish out the last pickle in the container with his mouth, but it gets stuck on his head. The entire scene is a metaphor for his inner struggle with his own homosexuality. Sam Mendes, director of American Beauty, loves to work in metaphors--especially homosexual ones. It's widely known that all metaphors are at least bi-curious.

Saw 2
This is the sequel to the movie with quite possibly the worst "twist" ending in the history of films. And I'm including the twist at the end of You've Got Mail where Meg Ryan isn't eaten by lions.

Though it was the champ at the box office last weekend, don't look for it to repeat because if there's one thing kids like to watch more than people having body parts amputated, it's a serious, black-and-white movie about Edward R. Murrow and the McCarthy hearings. Look for Good Night, and Good Luck to break $100 million this weekend.

"Dude! Did you see the part where Edward R. Murrow totally dissed Joseph McCarthy?!? Fucking extreme! Let's go skateboard off of a building on the back of a panther!"

Interesting thought of the day:
Filet-o-Fish, the McDonald's sandwich, is not, as they would like you to believe, Irish.

1 comment:

theFrog said...

I think that's the gayest picture I've ever seen - and I've seen that picture of you in a Mexican wrestling mask.