Saturday, November 26, 2005

Headline Hilarity!

I'm sure you've all heard the devastating news that Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson are getting a divorce. I care about this as much as an Ethiopian kid cares about the flies around his eyeballs. But, I love the awful headlines that people try to come up with in situations like this.

  • Newlyweds No More -- Probably the easiest headline of these, but at least it's not trying to be clever.
  • Will Newlyweds Become Newlysplits? -- They're not even trying with that one. "Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson? More like Nick Ladivorce and Jessica Splitson." Fucking retarded.
  • Wedded Diss: 'Newlyweds' Jessica and Nick Split -- You see what they did there? Instead of bliss, they said diss. It rhymes, yet they mean completely different things. Normally I'm okay with stuff like that, but it doesn't even work with the definition of diss. It's not like Nick was like, "Jessica, I love you," and she was all, "I don't love you. FACE!"
  • Newly Separateds -- Fucking Australians. Somehow this one is even worse than the 'Newlysplits' one. At least the 'Newlysplits' one tried to match the number of syllables; this one just used the prefix and tacked on the entire legal definition of what process they're going through: "From Newlyweds to Newly Legally Separated for the Next Twelve Months Until the Paperwork Goes Through to Finalize Their Divorce---s."
  • And, I'm nominating this as the single worst headline about this crisis (yes, crisis): Unlachey In Love. That's so fucking bad. If Lachey sounded anything like lucky, I'd forgive it and actually think it was kind of clever, but just because it starts and ends with the same letter doesn't mean you can make a pun out of it. It's like telling somebody to go firetruck themselves. Or saying, I want to put my rock-hard pants in your tight coat.
And, this is just a note to Splitsville: I know you're not a real place, but whoever your publicist is, they're doing a bang-up job with getting people to go there. Any time I hear of somebody getting divorced, according to headlines, that's where they go. You must have a very good Club Med.

Interesting thought of the day:
The Hamburgler had sex with Mayor McCheese in the plastic balls at McDonalds. This is the reason the Hamburgler is never convicted. Coincidentally, my penis looks exactly like Grimmace.


Anonymous said...

I crapped in the plastic balls at playland once when I was a kid. And by kid I mean last Tuesday.

Freakazojd said...

Grimmace, eh? Niiiiiice.