Friday, November 11, 2005

Super Tokyo Diarrhea Robot Explosion!

I can't think of a good title for my weekend movie previews, so, for now, I'm going to pretend that it has a really cool name in Japanese, but something gets lost in the translation.

Three new movies open in wide release this weekend and there couldn't be a wider range of shit I don't want to see unless there was some lame-ass Reese Witherspoon/Kate Hudson fights off her romantic feelings about Hugh Grant/Hugh Grant film mixed somewhere in there.

The first film comes to you by the guy who starred in Swingers and directed Elf. Zathura tells the story of how a director who once made good, entertaining movies decides to throw all that away and remake Jumanji...in spaaaaaaaaaaaace! Remember how bad the show Cheers got when they moved that to space? The same thing is going to happen here. Granted, a huge up side to Zathura is at least, unlike its predecessor, it doesn't have the world's least funny "comedian" Robin Williams in it. But even without Robin Williams trying his hardest to convince people that if he says things a lot and quickly that something in there has to be funny, this movie is still going to be shitty.

By the way, let me be very clear to anybody reading this in case you missed it: Robin Williams is not funny. The laughing that you do when he says something is the exact same kind of laughing you do when you first take your pants off in front of the doctor*. It's uncomfortable laughter. He has managed to make a living being a comedian by doing "improv" comedy that involves him stealing jokes (look it up) and the jokes he chooses to take are awful. It's like, you know when you take a dump, turn around to flush and it's nowhere to be found? There's some shit-stealing Robin Williams-esque gnome who does that.

*hooker

The second movie out this weekend is Derailed. This stars Jennifer Aniston as a woman and Clive Owen as a man. The trailers are all pretty ambiguous, but I think it's safe to say that something goes wrong (Derailed!) and some tense situations follow. I guess if you're vague about a movie, it's harder to convince people not to see it. It worked for Pearl Harbor. But I'm just going to speculate and spoil Derailed for you and let you know that Jennifer Aniston has a penis. That last sentence ought to bring in some interesting google traffic.

And, finally, the crème de la crème of films this weekend is Get Rich or Die Tryin'. First, just in the title, I'd like you to notice the apostrophe instead of the 'g' on the end. Right off the bat that establishes that this film, much like the television series Punk'd, doesn't play by the rules. If it doesn't even abide by the constricting bonds of grammar, what kind of rule breaking can I expect to see within the context of the film itself? How exciting. And, to add another espresso shot to your excitement latte, the world's most boring rapper "50 Cent" is the star. I've shat bloody post-anal rape stool with more charisma than 50 Cent. I know why he got shot nine times, it was self-defense; he was boring everybody around him to death.

I went shit joke crazy this post. Sorry about that.

Interesting thought of the day:
Hugs are poor people medicine.

4 comments:

Setholonius said...

Not to split hairs, but Favreau didn't direct Swingers -- he's never directed anything good. I guess he tries hard, but he's basically a talentless mass of tissue that Vince Vaughn removed from his back in hopes that it could survive on its own.

Kurt said...

Thanks. It completely slipped my mind that he didn't actually direct Swingers. But I have to disagree about him not directing anything good. I thought Elf was entertaining for what it was.

Ryan Castillo said...

He didn't direct Swingers, but he did write, star, and co-produce. And as for the comment that he is talentless.....you've obviously never seen "PCU". Oscar-worthy performance.

this one girl.... said...

favorite quote of the week:

"But I'm just going to speculate and spoil Derailed for you and let you know that Jennifer Aniston has a penis."

... too funny!!